Simon, I think the trust you mention here is such an important part of this conversation. If she still has to notice that the ball has been dropped, pick it up and make sure the task gets finished, then no, I’m not sure the cognitive load has truly shifted. But I also think there’s an important distinction between dropping the ball and simply throwing it differently. I know I’ve been guilty of this myself: wanting someone to share the load, but then expecting them to carry it exactly as I would. If we’re asking our partners to truly take ownership, perhaps part of our work is trusting them enough to let that ownership look different. The goal isn’t “do it my way.” It’s “I no longer have to hold this in my head.” And that feels like an important distinction.
I kept thinking about the flip side of this. Trust is built through repetition, but so is distrust. Sometimes she isn’t refusing to step back. She’s learned what happens when she does. The ball stays on the floor.
That is very true. And weaponized incompetence is definitely something women face. In reality both partners have to want the relationship to succeed not just one of them.
Simon, I think the trust you mention here is such an important part of this conversation. If she still has to notice that the ball has been dropped, pick it up and make sure the task gets finished, then no, I’m not sure the cognitive load has truly shifted. But I also think there’s an important distinction between dropping the ball and simply throwing it differently. I know I’ve been guilty of this myself: wanting someone to share the load, but then expecting them to carry it exactly as I would. If we’re asking our partners to truly take ownership, perhaps part of our work is trusting them enough to let that ownership look different. The goal isn’t “do it my way.” It’s “I no longer have to hold this in my head.” And that feels like an important distinction.
Yes. Letting the ownership look different. I think that’s an important step in handing it over.
I kept thinking about the flip side of this. Trust is built through repetition, but so is distrust. Sometimes she isn’t refusing to step back. She’s learned what happens when she does. The ball stays on the floor.
That is very true. And weaponized incompetence is definitely something women face. In reality both partners have to want the relationship to succeed not just one of them.