The menopause transition, happening as it does, in midlife, can bring challenges to existing relationship norms. A recent study conducted in Australia examined how the pressures of the menopause transition and midlife met. The study was conducted with 362 Australian cisgender women, aged 45–64 years.
One of the study’s findings was
“Many women constructed menopause as a period of upheaval and frustration, describing how symptoms, fatigue, and the broader pressures of midlife disrupted their sense of self, identity, and capacity to meet responsibilities during the transition.”
The Australian study had me looking at who keeps track of household life. A woman whose capacity to meet the responsibilities is reduced may find the level of oversight they have had in a household challenging to continue.
Who keeps track?
Catalano Weeks et al, revealed an interesting point about this distribution of labor among households with two heterosexual parents. “For women, higher earnings and employment were associated with reduced physical labor. But had no effect on cognitive labor.” They found that “even among socioeconomically advantaged parents, mothers perform most cognitive tasks.”
To use Catalano Weeks et al, expression “cognitive stickiness” the concept that once a task has been assigned the assignment tends to persist. Tasks like maintaining household schedules, knowing when appointments are, and meal planning. These are often assigned to the woman in the house.
A woman can create a meal plan for the week, check the pantry for ingredients and note other items that need restocking for the house, go shopping for them and put them away. That’s two forms of labor, both physical and cognitive. Who takes on which form of labor matters. Even in a situation where the task of meal planning and shopping has been handed over, prompting, checking and ensuring the planning and shopping associated with producing a meal have been completed often remain with the woman.
The work starts again next week
It goes beyond one task. Yes, the shopping was done. The meal was prepared. But one person didn’t put down that load. This week’s meal prep leads to next week’s shopping list, which leads to next week’s grocery shopping and this all takes cognitive labor. Who is actually carrying out that labor becomes clearer when the activities are looked at over time rather than through a snapshot.
The partner who “helped” can feel that they contributed time and effort. The partner thinking about that process may appreciate that contribution and yet remain unable to stop thinking about what comes next. Both can be true at the same time.
The Australian study I mentioned at the beginning of this article included symptoms and outcomes such as fatigue and difficulty meeting responsibilities. A woman who is being asked to maintain her previous level of contribution while at the same time feeling diminished capacity is going to face new challenges. They might find themselves having to create more reminders for themselves. They might find routine conversations about meal planning, shopping and scheduling more taxing than before. This can make rest harder because they are constantly monitoring the household around them.
Who picks up the dropped ball?
This is where the opportunity to relieve some of the cognitive load is. To notice, initiate and follow through on tasks that were previously the domain of the woman. At this point the woman can start to reduce the amount of monitoring they are doing, especially when this new sharing of cognitive load becomes more established.
I see opportunities here. For a man to step in, a woman has to step back. By this I mean there has to be an element of trust. That the man taking on the load will take it on fully. This is built through repetition. Tasks won’t be completed in exactly the same way as they always have been. Mistakes will be made and the ball will be dropped on occasion. Who notices this and picks up the ball matters. If the woman still has to notice the mistake and resolve it, then has the load been shifted?
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