The MATE (Men’s Attitude Toward Menopause) survey found that: 63% of men said that their partner’s menopausal symptoms had personally affected them.
This data supports the idea that the menopause transition (both peri & post menopause) are experienced individually but lived collectively. Menopause doesn’t happen in isolation. The connections spread far and wide. From partners to children, to family members, to coworkers and beyond.
In this article I’m going to focus on the relational impact on long term heterosexual committed partnerships.
What Is Really Going On?
Why would men say that they were personally impacted by their partner’s symptoms? Is this just men centering themselves in a way that society has continually taught them to do? While I think there is an element of truth to that, men are taught to center themselves and women are taught to orbit them, it goes beyond that. The study breaks down that number (63%) into more detail.
77% said the impact on themselves was somewhat or very negative.
What are these men actually experiencing? Quite often it is the change to the rhythm that they have become used to. Relationships develop a flow, and a shorthand that allows for predictability and clarity. When that is disrupted men can struggle with the changes that are happening. Some will try to fix the situation or look for solutions. Others will withdraw, concluding that the relationship itself is changing for the worse.
Men weren’t just noticing the impact on themselves:
70% said the impact on their partner was somewhat or very negative.
It’s easy to read that first number (63%) and assume men are making this all about themselves. But this number puts pay to that. Men are noticing the impact on their partners. What they aren’t sure of is how to respond. In conversations with men I’ve encountered expressions like “Walking on eggshells”. Their normal responses of fixing and solution providing don’t work anymore, so they are left wondering how to respond and what their role is in this new situation.
Looking Deeper At The Numbers
Beyond the individual impacts, the survey also found that:
56% said the impact on their relationship was somewhat or very negative.
What does that mean, “Affected them”? The survey expands on that. Men most commonly reported the following:
Emotional strain on the relationship (34%)
Reduced frequency of sex/intimacy (33%)
Trouble sleeping (10%)
Feeling upset or frustrated seeing their partner go through the transition (11%)
Intimacy is often the barometer used by men (and some women) to judge the health of the relationship. Intimacy means more than the physical aspects of the relationship. The emotional strain being reported is part of that intimacy. When that changes, when they feel a distance growing between them and their partner they can jump to the conclusion that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship.
When a couple doesn’t have words for what they are experiencing it can make things even worse. Both partners are confused by what is happening. Even when the words exist the confusion often lingers. No matter how many times a partner receives reassurance, they can often default to filling in the blanks with stories. Seeing a declined hug as a loss of affection. Seeing a need for some distance as the relationship drifting apart. These aren’t necessarily true.
Experienced Individually, Lived Collectively
What the MATE survey gives us is an insight as to how men are experiencing this transition. That the transition is experienced both physically and emotionally by the woman and that the experience she has is lived collectively. The numbers only give us the shape of the impact but not the depth of emotion behind the numbers.
This is where I believe education comes in. As men become more educated they gain more insight and that allows for a level of understanding. Achieving understanding doesn’t happen overnight (nor does the menopause transition), challenges aren’t overcome with it suddenly. Understanding brings with it space for curiosity, that brings the opportunity to start to ask the relevant questions about how each partner is experiencing this transition.
I recommend a simple framework for couples.
Sit. Listen. Believe.
Sit: Find time away from other distractions, and make it time-bound, 5 mins, 10 mins, however short a period you need to get one idea communicated.
Listen: Actively listen to your partner. Don’t just wait for your turn to speak. Listen for the information you are seeking.
Believe: No matter what research you have done, or what understanding you think you have achieved, believing the lived experience of the person in front of you is your best source of information.
What this can lead to is a place where both partners see the impact of this transition as something to be experienced together, rather than individually.
Couples on the same team rarely try to keep score.
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Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Engaging men in this conversation would be powerful and healing
Considering how little research is STILL not being done on menopause or women’s health in general, I find it both irritating and depressing that money & time is being spent on studying men’s experiences of something that 0% of them will experience firsthand. There are still not enough studies done on the benefits of testosterone for women because all the studies have been done on men. Until the work has been done for women - the people who actually are dealing with the day to day effects of perimenopause on our own bodies maybe we could not yet again be putting men’s feelings and concerns front and centre.