Ongoing conversations, especially in midlife and during the menopause transition, can be very useful in avoiding and resolving misunderstandings. The variable nature of hormones, family pressures and external stressors can create an atmosphere where misunderstandings can happen.
What follows are some suggestions based on my own experiences and conversations with psychologists and therapists about the type of helpful conversations that couples can have during this challenging time.
Before any of these conversations can happen, it’s important to ensure that they take place in an environment that supports them, somewhere quiet, away from distractions, not immediately after a conflict or disagreement, preferably not at the end of the day when you’re both tired and patience may be running thin.
What’s Going On?
An open conversation about what is actually happening, physically, emotionally and mentally is a great starting point. Not just for the woman experiencing the menopause transition but for both partners. Midlife and the menopause transition don’t happen in isolation. It happens as part of a broader system, home life, work life, family life, community etc. It shows up in all these places and all these places have an impact on what is going on.
Establishing a clear understanding of each other’s perspectives can bring some surprising revelations. Partners might notice changes in communication, affection and behavior and be confused by what is contributing to them.
Discussing what is happening, when symptoms or feelings occur, and how severely they affect daily life can help couples understand each other’s experiences. Neither can have the lived experience of the other, but listening to it being described and being willing to believe that this is a real experience, even if it doesn’t necessarily align with expectations or perception is a major step toward becoming a team.
Conversation Starter: What have you noticed changing, and how has it affected you?
What Are We Both Feeling?
This conversation can naturally lead from the previous one. The focus here is less on symptoms and physiology of the menopause transition or midlife stressors but rather how those influence the way each partner shows up for themselves and for each other.
This conversation does require some looking inward. Being honest with oneself before being able to accurately describe what is being felt, this was a particular challenge in my own relationship. I was used to talking about feelings and emotions having spent much of my adult life in therapy. My wife was not. It took us some time to find a way of communicating that worked for us. It can be especially challenging when finding the right words for describing an emotion is difficult, which it can be under normal circumstances. Adding in the pressure of midlife and the menopause transition and it can be doubly so. It may take time to develop a shared language for describing what each of you is experiencing. It is important to remember that being able to identify an emotion, being willing to share it, and having the language to describe it are three different things. Even when you’ve developed that shared language, one partner may need more time to find the words, or may communicate differently.
Conversation Starter: Is there anything you’ve been finding difficult to put into words?
What Helps, and What Doesn’t?
A partner might have to get used to the answer “I don’t know” when asking “How can I help?” Pressing for an answer because of the desire to make things better often makes things worse. At times a person experiencing symptoms genuinely doesn’t know what would help. Something that helped yesterday won’t help today. And sometimes they don’t want to be responsible for identifying and organising every possible solution.
From conversations with couples and my own experience, I’ve learned that listening is often the best place to start. Sometimes being heard is what matters most. From there practical changes can be made. Taking responsibility to prepare a meal when the other person is exhausted for example. And sometimes, it’s necessary to understand that quiet time alone is all that is needed.
Offering assistance and not feeling rejected when it is turned down is a good goal to aim for.
Conversation Starter: What could we try that might make things easier?
What Needs to Change?
This is a conversation about renegotiation. By the time a couple reaches midlife they may have been together for several years, perhaps even decades. Routines have been established. The division of labor assigned. The relationship may have operated successfully, almost on autopilot. Not necessarily because those arrangements were openly discussed, but because they became established habits. I’ve written about who carries the load in midlife:
Midlife arrives and with it changes like the menopause transition, employment stress, children growing and perhaps leaving home, parents aging and needing more care. All of these can mean that the way things have operated in the past is not how they can continue to operate. Recognizing this can open the door to reconsidering arrangements that no longer work for both partners. What that looks like is going to vary from couple to couple.
I’ve written here about Who Carries the Load in Midlife. There is work being done that might have been invisible to one partner. Until they get to see the whole picture it would be hard for them to take on that work. For example, one partner might be doing the grocery shopping, while the other partner continues to plan meals, check supplies and write the list. It is one thing to recognize that the work is being done. It is another to take responsibility for it. That’s part of the conversation that could be had.
Conversation Starter: Is the way we’re dividing things up still working for both of us?
Not Everything Is Hormones
There can be a temptation to reduce a woman’s midlife experience to hormones. Perimenopause arrives, and with it an array of physiological symptoms.
The menopause transition can be unfamiliar territory for both partners, although their experiences of it are very different. The symptoms she experiences may vary from day to day or year to year. Just as you have come to terms with one set of experiences they can change.
But attributing everything to hormones can be misleading, both medically and emotionally. Other medical and emotional factors can contribute. Some medical conditions produce symptoms similar to those associated with the menopause transition and may go untreated if everything is automatically attributed to hormones. I’ve written in more detail about that:
A woman can be experiencing perimenopause and also be frustrated about something entirely unrelated. A partner who automatically attributes her frustration to hormones may overlook a legitimate concern.
And sometimes a bad day is just that, a bad day.
Conversation Starter: Are we assuming menopause is responsible for something we haven’t really talked about?
These aren’t conversations to have once and consider finished. What matters today may be different six months from now, and what helped last month might no longer be useful.
What conversations have you had that helped?
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