Women Can Do It All

But Why Should They

I saw a note today that said “Women can have it all, be successful in business, be a mom, and run a home”.

The question isn’t “if they can”, the question is, “why should they?”

What comes next mostly applies to women in long term, heterosexual relationships, because that is both my area of experience and research.

Women have 7 hours of physical labor added to their week when they are in long-term cohabiting relationships. But that doesn’t include the mental load and emotional labor associated with being in that relationship, especially if there are children at home.

“Having it all” can be seen as internalized misogyny. It can also be seen as a rallying cry. So which is it?

I think that greatly depends on the form of partnership they have. Do they have an emotionally intelligent partner? Or do they have a partner who doesn’t see this labor?

If it is the former, that a woman wants to do it all, then maybe there is merit to the statement. However, I still feel that there is an element of internalized misogyny driving women to believe it is “heroic” of them to do it all.

If it is the latter, then I definitely see it as internalized misogyny. Men aren’t incapable of carrying an emotional load or physical labor.

Men often claim to be “helping out around the house” or "babysitting the children” so their partner can have some “me time”. For this, they require a reward. At a minimum, words of affirmation. At worst, they have “earned” physical access to their partner.

This places the man at an advantage. He becomes a “helper,” not a partner. The expectations of a helper are lower than those of a partner. “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it,” or similar phrases are used by helpers.

This forms a loop; it is easier “to just do it myself”, so they do it themselves, and the helper steps back instead of stepping up. We can’t overlook the use of weaponized incompetence; do it poorly enough, often enough, and you won’t be asked to do it again.

The shift that has to happen is to move away from the helper mindset and into the partner mindset.

A helper mindset - He cooks, but she checked the pantry, wrote the list, went to the store, and bought the ingredients.

Partner mindset - He checks the pantry, writes the list, goes to the store, and then cooks. He does all this without seeking reward.

This applies across the entire relationship. There is often a “default parent”. The one the school calls, the one the teachers can name, the one who knows the name of the pediatrician, who updates the family calendar.

But this makes it all too simple. In this equation, men are clearly at fault. While that is true to some extent, there is another facet. Women have to be able to step back and resist the urge to step in. To allow for genuine mistakes to be made.

A boy who was raised to be “a big, strong man” has been enculturated into seeing “men’s work” and “women’s work”. If they grew up in a traditional household where the woman did, in fact, do it all, then it isn’t surprising they model that behavior.

Both partners have to break the molds that they have been forced into. In a Western society, in the current economic climate, there is often no choice for a woman but to work. The household needs both incomes.

That only emphasizes why there is a need to shift to a partnership model. When both partners are aligned, when they are on the same team, there is no score to be kept.