When Men Can’t Name Menopause, It Often Feels Like Failure
Uncertainty becomes self-blame
I recently had a conversation with Todd Stevens - Marriage Coach. During our conversation Todd said something that really stood out to me - “That when men can’t name what’s happening in a relationship, they often experience it as failure.”
The Blame Game
The conversation in a man’s head can often follow a very logical path. If there are issues with something then there is a problem to be solved. First find the cause of the problem and then fix it. This logic works in situations outside of relationships. It is the solution provider/fixer role that many men are used to fulfilling.
However, when it comes to the menopause transition, easy solutions aren’t available. There is something wrong, that is apparent. But what it is, especially when there is no language to describe it, leads to confusion. If you can’t name it, you can’t fix it. If you can’t fix it then you must be doing something wrong. You are failing at your role as solution provider or fixer. And so the cycle of self-blame begins. Many men when faced with this situation start to assume, if they can’t immediately identify an external cause of the problem, then the problem is an internal one.
Language As The Turning Point
As our conversation went on, Todd gave an example from his own life, where having language changed how he thought about his relationship with his wife. He was having a discussion with his wife and didn’t quite know what the issue was, then his wife said “it’s probably hormones”. Todd’s inner dialogue became “She said hormones… and something in my brain went ‘okay, I know where we are now.’” Because he had language, and more than just language he had a level of understanding that went with the language.
This situation wasn’t because he was failing, in fact it wasn’t to do with him at all. And that lack of personalization changes how he responded. He was then able to respond with empathy, which in turn leads to connection. The fact that he had language to use to frame what was happening meant he was able to move from passive observer to active partner. That active partner isn’t a solution provider, they aren’t a fixer, sometimes all that is needed from them is to listen.
Midlife As The Breaking of Autopilot
Midlife brings a whole slew of changes. The sandwich generation faces challenges that can create real upheaval in a domestic situation. Older children start to leave home, showing the independence that parents both want for them and yearn for a few more years before it happens. Aging parents may require more care, the child becomes the parent.
And suddenly, the relationship that had just worked, that had its own rhythm, stops. Roles are changing. Expectations shift. Now we add into the mix hormonal shifts and fluctuations and we reach a perfect storm.
When something changes between two people and no one has the language for it yet, it’s easy to assume something is wrong. With her. With him. With the relationship. But often, it’s none of those things. It’s simply that the transition hasn’t been named yet.
And until it is, many men will continue to experience it not as uncertainty…but as failure.
You can connect with Todd - On the Web, on YouTube & Instagram
You can watch our full conversation in the video below:
This substack runs on copious amounts of tea. If you’d like to show your support for it, you can always buy me a cuppa.