I sat down with Pat Smith recently for a substack live. During our conversation Pat said, “They’ve been accustomed, they’ve wired their mind to be on the go all the time, to fix, to fire-fight…” and that made me think about how difficult stillness can feel for men who have spent their entire lives believing action is what makes them useful.
Why “just be there” feels impossible
As men we so often think in terms of solutions, to be the fixer. For some men that is how they were raised, for others it is something that is impressed upon them from society. However they acquire that way of thinking it becomes their go to for every and all situations.
This is especially true of the way they approach relationships, be they personal or professional. They want to be of help, or they simply want to provide a fix and move on. In many situations this works. Mostly it helps them. They can feel useful. That’s not to say their solutions or fixes don’t work, many times that is exactly what is needed.
The menopause transition provides a situation where solution providing, fixing isn’t possible, at least not in the way many men are used to doing. Women in the menopause transition aren’t broken, they aren’t a problem to be solved. This creates a tension in men. If their role isn’t to fix or solve then what is their role?
Suddenly, the paradigm through which they frame the world ceases to work. Usefulness equals action, action means solving. And now they are faced with a situation that requires them not to act. That stillness can feel irresponsible to men who have built their identity around fixing things.
Presence feels passive
Often what the woman wants is not a solution, not a fix, just a presence. To be seen and heard. To have their experience acknowledged. This is where tension can come in. Presence feels passive, even though it isn’t. For a man, realizing that there is no solution to this situation, that this isn’t just going to be resolved because of a few actions that they take can lead them to withdraw from the situation.
The withdrawal doesn’t come from a place of not caring, rather they withdraw because they don’t wish to do or say the wrong thing. It is a form of self-protection. And it happens at precisely the moment the woman needs support. Friction can feel as though it is inevitable. Silence becomes a norm, easier to not mention it than to say the wrong thing. Except silence itself feels dangerous.
Emotionally, this lack of action feels wrong. “If I care about this person, then I should be able to help, I should be able to make things better, I should be able to do something”.
The nervous system doesn’t know the difference
For some men, not knowing what to do sets up the same alarm system as any other unresolved threat. The nervous system can’t distinguish between the friction created externally by the unresolved relationship issues and being chased by a lion.
So the nervous system reacts. The most common way for it to react is to remove the man from the threat. Withdrawal, emotional avoidance, defensiveness. These now become the norm. Over time this heightened state can lead to things like hypervigilance, the replaying of every encounter.
Becoming steady instead of useful
What if the man can come to see that their role isn’t to provide solutions or fix things? What if the man comes to see that his role is to stay present without escalating the situation? That his role is to remain, even when things are uncomfortable or it strays into unfamiliar territory.
This steadiness, of remaining, of self-regulation may be the opposite of what he is used to. Ultimately, it achieves exactly what he was looking to do by being useful, identifying his role. A simple framework that I recommend for men is, Sit. Listen. Believe.
Find time to sit, not in the middle of dinner, or a chore. A time when you can both be present. Listen actively, not just waiting your turn to speak, but actively listening to what is being said and considering the impact of that. Finally, believe. Even if you’ve done your research, attended the training, read the book, believe the lived experience of the person in front of you.
Many men are led to believe that caring is best expressed through action. That being passive shows a lack of concern. Therefore it is easy for them to bring these two together and create a sense that “simply being” is showing a lack of care.
The menopause asks a different question of us as men. Can we remain present when there is nothing to fix?
Places where you can connect with Pat
Want to add to the conversation. Leave a comment. I reply to them all.
This substack runs on copious amounts of tea. If you’d like to support it, you could always buy me a cuppa.