What You Are Actually Seeing

Why the changes feel real long before they make sense

Early on, as you start to notice shifts in the pattern of your relationship and how those shifts show up in your daily life, you probably aren’t thinking, “Oh, this is menopause.”

What you are most likely noticing is disruptions. Nothing major, not a big rupture, rather a series of small changes that come and go, perhaps you aren’t even aware of them all the time. Maybe you write them off as just something all established relationships go through. Over time, you might notice that these feelings accumulate; again, they don’t form something big, they just become more noticeable. When it gets to this point, you will perhaps find it harder to dismiss them.

The disruptions you are noticing and feeling don’t come neatly packaged with a checklist to help you form a complete picture. More likely, you’re sensing a general change in the way things used to be. The feeling that things aren’t the way they usually are. It isn’t so much that something is wrong, more a feeling that something isn’t quite right. This might lead to a sense of frustration, you want to know what and why these changes are occurring. You lack clarity, and that is confusing. It’s as though you almost have the whole picture, but it remains frustratingly out of reach.

These changes are happening without a language to effectively describe them. When we have a language gap, when we lack a way of properly expressing what we are seeing and feeling, then we fill the gap with what we know. When things start to show up as ‘new’, things that haven’t been discussed, we ascribe our own meanings. We use patterns that have served us in the past. We tell ourselves familiar stories, ones that don’t fit this well, but they are ones that make sense to us at this time. Most men don’t handle ambiguity well, especially not in our relationships.

When men try to make sense of what they are noticing, most attribute the changes they are seeing to ageing, stress, personality, or circumstances. Not Menopause. It’s not that surprising, really. Without the right language, the picture we form is incomplete. If this is something you have noticed yourself doing, you aren’t alone. This is a common way of framing the changes you are noticing.

The lack of a complete picture, and the assigning of meanings that, while not exactly wrong, aren’t complete, can shift us into fixing or solution-finding mode. We are wired to do this; it isn’t a failing. We aren’t necessarily trying to control the situation, although, if we are honest, that would be an ideal outcome, rather, fixing provides purpose, which is comforting. What we might notice, however, is that as we increase our effort to understand what we are seeing and feeling, we find that we have even less clarity.

The explanations we have been using, while not the whole picture, aren’t incorrect. They are drawing from what we already know, a lack of knowing isn’t a failure. We are trying to restore some sense of order and regain clarity. We may feel that these explanations move us toward that.

All this effort lacks a focus, a framework within which to shape our responses. We aren’t there yet, we don’t have a framework, and until we do, we feel frustrated and confused. Without it, you can be left asking yourself, “What am I missing?”

When, if at all, does menopause become part of this picture?

That’s what the next post begins to explore.