There's Nothing Wrong With You
But You Might Think There Is
In my recent conversation with Ramiro Castano, LMFT he said something that I’ve been thinking about since then - “It’s not that they think they’re causing the problem. They think there’s something fundamentally wrong with them.”
What does that feel like for a man to have the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with them? It can manifest as a lack of confidence in their role in the relationship, this can roll over into other aspects of their life. They start to second guess what they actually bring to the table, if anything.
Men Think They Are Fundamentally Flawed
At the core of this is the fact that men often take on changes in their relationship as something personal. As Ramiro pointed out, they think there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. This personalization starts early as things start to change.
There is the sensation that something is off but they can’t quite put their finger on it. That the relationship “looks good on paper”, on the surface everything is continuing as it has always done and at the same time things are moving in an unexpected direction.
What isn’t happening is men saying “maybe it’s me” out loud. They internalize these feelings. If they externalize them, say them out loud, then they might have their worst fears confirmed. That it is them. They are the problem. So these thoughts stay internal, unspoken and unaddressed.
Becoming Hypervigilant
This leads to changing behaviors in them, they start to examine every interaction, every word said, everything left unsaid. They become observers of their own actions and of their relationship. None of this is done externally, it is all internal at this stage. They are becoming hypervigilant.
This hypervigilance isn’t created out of a fear of conflict. They aren’t monitoring what they say or what is being said to them, simply so they can defend their position. In fact, the opposite is true, what they fear most is abandonment. That their partner is disengaging because they have somehow discovered “who they really are,” and that can create feelings of being unlovable, undesirable.
If that inner person is discovered, then the relationship might end. Because this self-blame and internalization of the change being their fault leads to that conclusion. In reality, this hiding and withdrawing is the opposite of what their partner most likely needs. They are more likely to be seeking an engaged partner who is ready to support them.
As this continues, the amount of safety in the relationship declines and the threat level increases. Without feelings of safety, there can be no vulnerability. Without vulnerability, everything stays internal and hidden. The only safe action is to withdraw.
That withdrawal leads their partner to feel unsupported. It is hard to open up to someone who has emotionally withdrawn from the relationship. Even if they are doing it because they perceive it as the only way to keep themselves safe.
The Turtle Withdraws Into Its Shell
Ramiro used the analogy of a turtle. A man withdraws into his shell when he feels unsafe in the relationship. Safety isn’t something that is restored instantly, it’s a gradual process. Small conversations about nothing in particular, shared moments, experiences, and even memories, can lead him to slowly poke his head out of the shell for a moment. Just because he feels safe at that moment doesn’t mean he won’t withdraw again. He is still checking for feedback that he isn’t actually the problem.
The biggest danger to the relationship is the creation of a sense of isolation. Of being alone with these feelings and not being able to communicate what he is experiencing. Ramiro pointed out that often, the first person to offer that space to communicate might be another person. That affairs often begin not because of physical desire but rather because a space is created for emotional safety to appear.
Given that this change happens over years, possibly a decade or more, creating a sense of safety for both partners is essential. Allowing a space where both can bring their perspectives on how the change is impacting them.
Once a man realizes that this change is not because of their failings, not because they are inherently flawed, but because it is a life stage that is best faced together, then safety evolves, and the relationship can start to feel like a partnership once more.
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