“The way he fixes things is actually in his ability to hold still.”
This is a quote I had during a conversation recently with Natalie Buchwald LMHC-D about how men hide stress.
I think that this is so counterintuitive for most men. Being still is the opposite of what men think of when they are going to fix things. Without momentum, without forward movement then men believe they are failing.
A man’s partner is awake at 3am, he notices this, he notices that she is tired and irritable the next day, that she isn’t as clear headed as usual. His natural response is to do something, maybe he even asks the question “What can I do?” The response could be anything from a task to “I don’t know”.
We naturally fill those gaps with our own interpretation and meaning. But as Natalie points out -
“It is not the time to self-blame, to blame others, to assign meaning.”
However, the natural path of things is to do exactly that. To self-blame, to blame others and assign meaning. And the types of meanings men apply tend to catastrophize what is happening. Is this about me? Have I done something wrong? Am I no longer enough?
These, and other questions and interpretations are made because of a lack of information and solid feedback. We are often at a point where our partners can’t give it. They are dealing with this transition in their body that is manifesting in many different ways, at different times and on different days. Even if they have language to describe what they are experiencing they might not be able to reliably describe what is going to happen at any given moment.
While we are personalizing and internalizing the changes that are occurring we can often miss the moments where we can shift away from that mindset. Natalie phrased it this way -
“If your partner has other ways of showing you that they are still there, notice them.”
These might be something simple like holding your hand as you cross a parking lot or making sure you have your favorite snacks on game day. They might not be the ways in which you have measured the health of your relationship before. Perhaps using intimacy, both physical and emotional as a barometer to gauge it. But those moments exist and they can be easy to miss if we are looking to the past.
While men are looking to make sense of what is happening externally there is something else going on internally.
Men often look fine, or even say it out loud, when in fact they are suppressing stress, often because they don’t recognize the stress they are holding. What happens when this stays suppressed too long? What happens when that stress has to be released? Back to Natalie -
“...sometimes the only way to get there is through the acting out, is through the outburst, is through the overwhelm.”
For some men this strain can show up physically too, back pain, teeth grinding, aching jaws, an overall tightness in the body. It affects the whole person, physically and mentally. That in turn affects how they show up in the world, and in their relationships.
Men can see suppression as coping. If they aren’t saying it out loud, that they are overwhelmed, that they are confused it can lead to a body that becomes strained to the point of sickness. Natalie described it as -
“Disease, dis-ease... I’m not at ease. You’re holding dis-ease in your body.”
In the end Men become so practiced at appearing composed that they can lose awareness of their own stress. That stress doesn’t disappear, it eventually emerges through behaviour, physical symptoms, or emotional overwhelm.
Holding still can feel like doing nothing, when in fact it’s the act of resisting the urge to panic, to personalize and internalize. To see that not all situations require fixing or a solution, and being comfortable with that. Understanding that the fix lies not in movement but in holding still.
You can watch the full conversation below
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