Who Starts the menopause Conversation?
And who is being invited to join?
You now have a better idea of what changes are happening. And can even look at them dispassionately without taking them personally. Realizing that a decline in physical intimacy isn’t a fault or a failing but a shift in how the relationship moves forward. Recognition is a starting point. It shows you what is happening without asking you to take it personally. You have become aware, which is good. Now the next step is to understand the symptoms you are seeing and how they connect to the menopause transition.
Many men can list symptoms by this stage in their understanding. What they don’t have is the understanding of the impact that they have on their partner. To get this, they need to have conversations about the symptoms. Men are usually willing to have those conversations. The MATE survey shows that 72% of men report having conversations with their partners about their symptoms. However, most men wait to be invited to the conversation. 72% of partners said they initiated the conversations about menopausal symptoms.
So why is there a gap? Why aren’t men initiating these conversations? Clearly, they are comfortable having them once the conversation has been initiated. Fear is the most common reason. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear of being seen as insensitive. Fear of getting the timing wrong. Fear of mansplaining using the little information they have been able to gather themselves. As we have discussed in previous posts, men are fixers by nature. Another fear is that they won’t have a solution going into the conversation.
Women already bear the majority of the emotional load in a relationship. One of the symptoms many women experience is the declining inclination to take on more of that work. With men being fearful of initiating the conversations, they might not happen. Or they might happen after things have already changed. When the conversations don’t happen, the result isn’t usually conflict but distance. And distance gets filled with interpretation. Both partners, the man especially is now working with missing information. Guessing work, fortune telling, worst case scenarios, and more. These all fill the gap.
However, men can play a role in this situation. Not by coming to the conversations with solutions. Not coming prepared with advice. And most importantly, not coming to seek control of the situation. Their role is to put a name to what they have observed. Asking open questions and actively listening to the answers. To create a space where honesty is invited in.
So what does this look like for a man?
Asking simple questions, I’ve noticed this happening lately, how does that feel? Is there anything you need from me?
The emphasis is not on having the right words. It is about having the conversation in the first place.
Menopause changes how a relationship looks. It impacts both partners and how they relate to one another. Regular, open, and honest conversations help to remove the mystery of what is happening and to close gaps. The openness and willingness of both partners to engage in these conversations, some of which can be difficult, determine how well they navigate the relationship going forward.
The conversation is the beginning. What matters next is how both partners face it together.
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Simon, this is such an insightful and compassionate piece, as always. I especially loved the line, “The emphasis is not on having the right words. It is about having the conversation in the first place.” That feels like such important advice for both men and women. I appreciate your perspective that men often feel hesitant to have conversations about things they can't fix, and so many women are struggling to articulate changes in their own bodies that they don’t even fully understand themselves. Your reminder that keeping the lines of communication open, even when the conversations are awkward or imperfect, is incredibly important and, I think, relationship saving advice.