Most Men See The Changes

But that’s not the problem

For many relationships, the change isn’t dramatic. There are no big moments. Rather, the changes are more subtle in nature; things just start to feel… different. That difference often can’t be expressed at the beginning; you lack the language to describe exactly what it is. Lacking the language isn’t a failing, it’s because this is all so new. It’s been happening softly over time, but only when things become noticeable do you reach for words you don’t yet have. This all matters because what you notice, and how you interpret it, shapes what happens next.

You might notice that your partner is starting to get less sleep. You might find them awake, staring at the ceiling at 3 am. Perhaps they appear to have difficulty with language, they seem to be a beat behind their normal self. It can appear as though they are reaching for words, words they know well but just can’t seem to express.

It’s often at times like this when other changes appear, the sense that you have to tread carefully when you are around them, as you aren’t sure what mood they are in. Even more noticeable is the shift in intimacy, not just sex, but the small signs of intimacy, the hugs that are missing, the briefness of a goodbye kiss.

That men notice changes is supported by data. In one large survey, researchers spoke to 450 men, living full-time with their partners, during midlife transition. These weren’t distant observers; they were noticing changes, just as you are, because they were there. Understanding this already changes how you relate to what you are noticing.

It is often thought that men don’t notice the changes happening in their relationship, simply because they don’t express seeing them. In fact, men are consistently reported as having noticed changes. Just because you are noticing the changes doesn’t mean you have a clear understanding of what those changes are, what they imply, or whether they are really something that has changed and not just you projecting your own misgivings about the relationship onto your partner.

The issue isn’t observation, but interpretation.

At this stage, you don’t have a framework with which to decode the things you are noticing. You may not have joined the dots at this stage. Each observation is siloed, not seen as a whole change but as a series of individual ones. This can lead to a lack of clarity and frustration.

Without language to express what you are noticing, you might personalize these changes. Taking them on as a problem to be solved. It is hard to solve a problem for which you don’t have a clear picture; this can lead to frustration, which can quietly become tension. The lack of language leads to silence filling the gap.

This can feel like withdrawal, which only increases the pressure on the relationship. Withdrawal isn’t what you want to do, but you aren’t sure how else to navigate this new set of changes.

If you are noticing these changes, the next question is obvious: What are you actually seeing?

If you have noticed things changing without a clear reason, the next post in the series looks at what men are noticing in more detail and why naming these changes isn’t straightforward.