Losing Six Years to Perimenopause

And What That Felt Like

For six years, my partner and I struggled with the effects of perimenopause.

Her symptoms were dismissed by four successive doctors. Her labs were “normal”, the strange bone aches were just aging, the night sweats a problem with her diet, and the list goes on of her symptoms being anything but perimenopause.

As her partner, I was equally puzzled. If there was nothing wrong with her, why was our relationship changing?

Initially, I put it down to stress. We had recently moved across country to another state for her to take on a new job.

The slight distance that was forming between us was easy to write off as her settling into a new role, finding her feet. Meanwhile, I was trying to rebuild a social circle and find clients for my business. So we were both stressed.

Slowly, intimacy, both physical and emotional, faded. It lost its place in our relationship. I can’t point to a single moment when it happened. But it happened. And I still didn’t understand why.

A year passed, which became two. A new rhythm appeared in our relationship. It was never spoken about. It was something that had to be accepted. Two years became four.

My wife took a new job, across country again. This time, I didn’t move immediately. She commuted every other weekend. Flying back and forth. So obviously, intimacy would take a back seat. She was tired from work, tired from travel. Stressed from the new job.

Nothing was said.

But the clock was ticking. As this distance and silence grew, I started to fill it with assumptions. I started to draw my own conclusions. This wasn’t a “her problem”. This was about me.

I was aging, I was no longer attractive, this is how relationships are after a while. This was how my life was going to be for the remainder of it. Essentially, alone. Living with a roommate.

I didn’t know what was happening. So I tried to make sense of it the only way I could. I explained it. I rationalized it. I made it about me.

I didn’t know how to sit with it.

I didn’t know how to listen.

I didn’t know what to believe.