I Thought I Was Helping
“What’s for dinner?” A question common to so many households. And in our house it almost always lands on her to answer it. So I thought for once I’d try to answer the question. If she wasn’t going to have to cook it, it should at least be something she wanted. So I asked what she would like.
The request seemed simple enough. I started to pull together the ingredients. I couldn’t find them all so I asked where one or two were. She helped me find the right pan to cook it in. The meal came out great, she seemed to enjoy it.
I thought I had taken a chore away and given her time to spend on something else. Perhaps I hadn’t.
Two People, Two Accounts
A recently published paper (October 2026) covered a survey involving 253 U.S. couples in May–June 2024. Women were aged 40–65 and experiencing persistent, bothersome hot flashes or night sweats; 92.5% of partners were men.
Partners rated their understanding more highly than women rated it: 36.4% of partners reported high understanding, compared with 14.2% of women who rated their partner’s understanding highly. Similarly, 67.2% of partners reported encouraging symptom understanding and treatment, versus 48.6% of women. These are aggregate differences, not percentages of couples who disagreed.
What these responses reveal is the gap between how partners perceived their understanding and encouragement and how the women assessed that understanding and encouragement.
If a partner has the sense that they understand what is happening, then they may provide assistance based on that understanding. This raises the question, how can someone check that the support they are offering is being received as support?