“I sometimes wished for five or six years that more men would get involved in the conversation.”

This is something that Ann Marie McQueen, the creator of said to me on our recent Substack Live.

Men And The Important Conversation

We are slowly seeing more men enter the conversation. The MATE survey shows that 72% of the men they surveyed said they were having conversations about their partners menopause experience with them. The data point that goes with that is less encouraging. 72% said their partner initiated the conversation.

We want men in the conversation, but they still don’t know how to enter it. They are reliant on women inviting them in. For some men, I believe what stops them is fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing, at the wrong time, and making the situation more tense than it needs to be.

Ann Marie and I agreed that men need to take the initiative to educate themselves about this transitional stage in their relationship and that it isn’t incumbent on women to be their educators. That education goes beyond books, podcasts and newsletters. All of those are very useful and allow men to ask well informed questions during those conversations. What they don’t replace is the education that the men can get from their partner’s lived experience.

It is one thing to have read about Hot Flashes, it is quite another to understand what that means to your partner. And until you do you don’t have the knowledge you need.

These conversations also need to extend beyond symptoms.

The Cracks That Are Already There

As the title of this article says, perimenopause doesn’t usually cause cracks in relationships, it reveals them. And this is the important extension of those conversations. Because they are still about the lived experience that the partner is having.

Those cracks can take many forms. Who carries the emotional load? Who remembers appointments? Who plans meals? Who knows what the household needs?

A University of Michigan study found that women with husbands pick up about 7 extra hours a week of housework, while men with wives saved themselves about an hour a week. The real takeaway here isn’t that women do more to operate a household, it’s that the arrangements that have set this up have been in place for years, sometimes decades. And at this stage those arrangements become no longer tenable. This is not the fault of individual relationships, this is a familiar pattern shaped by the society we live in. As I said during the conversation

“Men are centered and women are taught to orbit them.”

Ann Marie highlighted this with a simple question that a woman might ask herself

“Why have I been doing that?”

Time To Renegotiate

This is more than just the division of labor in the home though. This period of unmasking involves changes in biology and physiology for the woman. Those include the symptoms that she is experiencing but also how those symptoms show up. For example a lack of sexual desire can’t simply be ascribed to a low libido (though that is certainly one symptom) sometimes penetrative sex is physically painful. Changes in thermal regulation, showing up as hot flashes which can reduce the desire for physical contact.Sleepless nights can lead to irritability which can create tension in the relationship and a breakdown in communication.

All of this can change the way a relationship works. And to weather those changes the relationship needs to be renegotiated. This renegotiation requires a careful look at those cracks that have been revealed. As Ann Marie put it

“We both hold the responsibility for readjusting the relationship in this time.”

What does this renegotiation actually look like? As I mentioned this is more than who takes on which responsibility around the house (though that plays a part), it’s about making the needed adjustments that reflect the new reality that partners find themselves in.

For my relationship the outcome of the renegotiation was very simple. My Wife said

“I finally feel seen”.

Being in the conversation is more than just understanding or talking about symptoms. It’s being willing to listen to the lived experience of your partner and what that tells you about her, about you, and about the relationship you’ve built together.

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I was recently a guest on Anél Quilliam’s podcast - Mad with the Menopause. She invited me to talk about my experience with my wife’s perimenopause journey and the broader impact that journey has on couples.

First, let me give you a little background on Anél. Anél is the creator and host of Mad with the Menopause, a podcast dedicated to breaking the silence and misinformation surrounding perimenopause and menopause. Drawing on her own difficult perimenopause experience, she creates open conversations that educate women and men while exploring the physical, emotional, and relationship impact of the transition. She was also selected as one of the 100 Trailblazing Leaders in Menopause by the Women of Wearables.

The changes men feel before they understand

Our conversation covered a lot of ground, but we kept returning to something I experienced in my own relationship.

The fact that men don’t necessarily experience menopause first as a list of symptoms. They experience changes in the person they love and in the relationship they have built together.

My wife entered perimenopause at 41. Over the next four years, she saw four different doctors. She was told she was too young. Her symptoms didn’t fit. Her labs were normal. Everything was apparently fine. Except it wasn’t for her. And because I kept hearing that there was nothing medically wrong, I started looking for another explanation.

“If it’s not her, it must be me because there’s only two people in this relationship.”

The first thing I noticed

There were physical symptoms. Hot flashes. Sleepless nights. Changes in mood and irritability.

But those weren’t the things I experienced most directly.

“I think the thing that I noticed first was a change in intimacy, both physical and emotional.”

When we hear the word intimacy, we often jump immediately to sex. But emotional intimacy changes too. Without context, the changes to both forms of intimacy can feel very personal.I certainly took them personally.

If I can’t fix it, what is my role?

Eventually my wife found an OB/GYN who recognized what was happening. She was in perimenopause.

Having a name for it helped, but simply knowing about menopause symptoms wasn’t enough for me. I could read about hot flashes, brain fog and sleep disturbance, but a symptom list didn’t tell me what I was supposed to do with that information.

That led to something Anél and I discussed during the podcast that I think gets overlooked when we talk about men and menopause.

“If I can’t fix it and there’s no solution, then what’s my role?”

For many men, providing solutions is what they are used to doing. When someone we love has a problem, doing something about it can feel like an expression of care. Menopause doesn’t work that way. So the question becomes less about what we can fix and more about how we participate.

The realization that changed things

It took me far too long to understand something that now seems obvious.

“We were having the same experience from two different perspectives.”

My wife’s lived experience of perimenopause was hers. I could never know what it felt like to experience the physical and emotional changes happening in her body.

But I had a lived experience too.

I was experiencing uncertainty, changes in intimacy and communication, and changes in a relationship that I thought I knew. Recognizing that changed how I saw my role.

Instead of constantly asking what I could do to make the symptoms go away, I could start paying attention to where the load was greatest and where I could pick some of it up.

As I told Anél:

“Stop looking for solutions and start looking for partnerships.”

What partnership actually looks like

Sometimes that means taking responsibility for things rather than offering to help with them. What I refer to as the transition from helper to partner.

During our conversation, I used grocery shopping as an example. Going to the store is useful. But who checked the refrigerator and pantry? Who decided what everyone was eating? Who made the list? That highlights just one small aspect of the emotional load that women carry every day.

Partnership also requires flexibility. What helped yesterday may not help today. Sometimes stepping in is useful, but that also requires the female partner to learn to step back. Sometimes the most useful thing you can do is recognize that your partner needs space. That requires paying attention rather than assuming you know what they want.

Perhaps that’s the biggest thing I’ve learned from my own experience and from the conversations I’ve had since. Menopause may be individually experienced, but it’s lived collectively.

When something changes in a relationship, both people experience that change. Understanding that doesn’t give men a solution to menopause.

It gives us something much more useful: a role in navigating it together.

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Most men don’t experience the menopause transition as a series of hormonal changes. They experience it as a series of relationship changes.

They notice distance growing, they notice intimacy declining, they notice barbs entering what used to be normal conversations. The relationship can begin to feel increasingly functional. Conversations revolve around children’s appointments, grocery lists and trash day. The moments that once felt effortless seem to require more thought, while the changes themselves often remain unspoken because neither partner can fully explain what is happening. Life continues, but it no longer feels as familiar as it once did.

Uncertainty Replaces Familiarity

Over time, that sense of familiarity is replaced by uncertainty. There is uncertainty about what kind of day today will be, uncertainty about whether a conversation will end in connection or conflict, and uncertainty about how to respond when the person you love seems to be experiencing something neither of you fully understands. Even when there are good days, there can be a feeling that the ground beneath the relationship has shifted, making it harder to trust what tomorrow might bring.

During my recent Substack Live, offered an explanation that changed the way I think about this experience.

“Any change has the potential of triggering that threat response.”

Perimenopause is viewed as neither good nor bad. It is simply experienced as something different. That difference alone is enough to capture the brain’s attention. Throughout our evolution, change has often signalled that our environment deserves closer observation, so the brain responds by becoming more alert. It starts watching more carefully, looking for patterns and trying to determine whether this new situation requires us to adapt. Before we have consciously made sense of what is happening, our nervous system has already recognised that something important has changed.

This isn’t a male perspective, it’s a human one. As Paul said later in our conversation:

“It’s safer to assume danger and risk and be wrong than it is to assume safety and be wrong.”

Basic Survival

That’s a basic survival instinct. The brain doesn’t differentiate between a conversation that slides into conflict and being chased by a lion. Physiologically, many of the same systems become active. Heart rate increases, attention narrows and the mind starts scanning the environment more closely. Long before we have consciously decided whether something is dangerous, the brain has already begun preparing us to respond.

When the relationship you’ve relied upon for years begins to feel different, that same system can become active. The rhythm you once knew is disrupted and things that once felt predictable become less so. Plans change. Conversations take unexpected turns. Familiar ways of connecting no longer seem to have the same effect. None of those changes necessarily mean the relationship is in danger, but they are enough to hold the brain’s attention.

That helps explain why many men begin asking more questions. They want to understand what has changed and, more importantly, whether the relationship is still safe. Those questions often focus on impact rather than symptoms. “What’s wrong?” “What can I do?” “How do we get back to where we were?” Meanwhile, their partner may be trying to understand why she is waking at three in the morning, why she feels exhausted or why emotions that once felt manageable now seem unpredictable. They are living through the same transition, but experiencing completely different problems.

I often think about the way men and women search for information online. A man may type, “Why doesn’t my wife want to be close to me?” His partner may be searching, “Why am I awake at 3am every night?” Neither question is unreasonable. They simply reflect two very different experiences of the same stage of life.

At the heart of those searches is something Dr. Paul Jenkins said:

“Threat is always perceived whether it’s real or not.”

Perception Creates Response

If the brain perceives a threat, it responds as though one exists. It doesn’t wait for certainty. That doesn’t mean the relationship is failing. It means the brain has recognised significant change and is trying to work out whether it needs to protect us.

The encouraging part is that the threat response isn’t the end of the story.

“Awareness precedes choice.”

Once we recognise what the brain is doing, we are no longer being carried along by it without noticing. We can recognise heightened alertness for what it is instead of allowing it to shape every interaction. We can ask different questions, slow our reactions and remember that change, on its own, is not evidence that something is wrong.

Perimenopause asks both partners to adapt to a relationship that no longer follows familiar patterns. For many men, that can feel deeply unsettling because predictability has been replaced by uncertainty. The brain has evolved to notice change because, throughout human history, overlooking genuine threats carried enormous consequences. That instinct has served us well for thousands of years. But in a relationship, especially one moving through perimenopause, the changes we notice are often invitations to understand rather than warnings to defend against.

During the Live Paul offered a free ebook called Portable Positivity you can download it here.

You can watch the full conversation here:

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During the live Paul made available a free guide - Portable Positivity - you can get it at www.drpauljenkins.com/tqt

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This is a quote I had during a conversation recently with about how men hide stress.

I think that this is so counterintuitive for most men. Being still is the opposite of what men think of when they are going to fix things. Without momentum, without forward movement then men believe they are failing.

A man’s partner is awake at 3am, he notices this, he notices that she is tired and irritable the next day, that she isn’t as clear headed as usual. His natural response is to do something, maybe he even asks the question “What can I do?” The response could be anything from a task to “I don’t know”.

We naturally fill those gaps with our own interpretation and meaning. But as Natalie points out -

“It is not the time to self-blame, to blame others, to assign meaning.”

However, the natural path of things is to do exactly that. To self-blame, to blame others and assign meaning. And the types of meanings men apply tend to catastrophize what is happening. Is this about me? Have I done something wrong? Am I no longer enough?

These, and other questions and interpretations are made because of a lack of information and solid feedback. We are often at a point where our partners can’t give it. They are dealing with this transition in their body that is manifesting in many different ways, at different times and on different days. Even if they have language to describe what they are experiencing they might not be able to reliably describe what is going to happen at any given moment.

While we are personalizing and internalizing the changes that are occurring we can often miss the moments where we can shift away from that mindset. Natalie phrased it this way -

“If your partner has other ways of showing you that they are still there, notice them.”

These might be something simple like holding your hand as you cross a parking lot or making sure you have your favorite snacks on game day. They might not be the ways in which you have measured the health of your relationship before. Perhaps using intimacy, both physical and emotional as a barometer to gauge it. But those moments exist and they can be easy to miss if we are looking to the past.

While men are looking to make sense of what is happening externally there is something else going on internally.

Men often look fine, or even say it out loud, when in fact they are suppressing stress, often because they don’t recognize the stress they are holding. What happens when this stays suppressed too long? What happens when that stress has to be released? Back to Natalie -

“...sometimes the only way to get there is through the acting out, is through the outburst, is through the overwhelm.”

For some men this strain can show up physically too, back pain, teeth grinding, aching jaws, an overall tightness in the body. It affects the whole person, physically and mentally. That in turn affects how they show up in the world, and in their relationships.

Men can see suppression as coping. If they aren’t saying it out loud, that they are overwhelmed, that they are confused it can lead to a body that becomes strained to the point of sickness. Natalie described it as -

“Disease, dis-ease... I’m not at ease. You’re holding dis-ease in your body.”

In the end Men become so practiced at appearing composed that they can lose awareness of their own stress. That stress doesn’t disappear, it eventually emerges through behaviour, physical symptoms, or emotional overwhelm.

Holding still can feel like doing nothing, when in fact it’s the act of resisting the urge to panic, to personalize and internalize. To see that not all situations require fixing or a solution, and being comfortable with that. Understanding that the fix lies not in movement but in holding still.

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I sat down with recently for a substack live. During our conversation Pat said, “They’ve been accustomed, they’ve wired their mind to be on the go all the time, to fix, to fire-fight…” and that made me think about how difficult stillness can feel for men who have spent their entire lives believing action is what makes them useful.

Why “just be there” feels impossible

As men we so often think in terms of solutions, to be the fixer. For some men that is how they were raised, for others it is something that is impressed upon them from society. However they acquire that way of thinking it becomes their go to for every and all situations.

This is especially true of the way they approach relationships, be they personal or professional. They want to be of help, or they simply want to provide a fix and move on. In many situations this works. Mostly it helps them. They can feel useful. That’s not to say their solutions or fixes don’t work, many times that is exactly what is needed.

The menopause transition provides a situation where solution providing, fixing isn’t possible, at least not in the way many men are used to doing. Women in the menopause transition aren’t broken, they aren’t a problem to be solved. This creates a tension in men. If their role isn’t to fix or solve then what is their role?

Suddenly, the paradigm through which they frame the world ceases to work. Usefulness equals action, action means solving. And now they are faced with a situation that requires them not to act. That stillness can feel irresponsible to men who have built their identity around fixing things.

Presence feels passive

Often what the woman wants is not a solution, not a fix, just a presence. To be seen and heard. To have their experience acknowledged. This is where tension can come in. Presence feels passive, even though it isn’t. For a man, realizing that there is no solution to this situation, that this isn’t just going to be resolved because of a few actions that they take can lead them to withdraw from the situation.

The withdrawal doesn’t come from a place of not caring, rather they withdraw because they don’t wish to do or say the wrong thing. It is a form of self-protection. And it happens at precisely the moment the woman needs support. Friction can feel as though it is inevitable. Silence becomes a norm, easier to not mention it than to say the wrong thing. Except silence itself feels dangerous.

Emotionally, this lack of action feels wrong. “If I care about this person, then I should be able to help, I should be able to make things better, I should be able to do something”.

The nervous system doesn’t know the difference

For some men, not knowing what to do sets up the same alarm system as any other unresolved threat. The nervous system can’t distinguish between the friction created externally by the unresolved relationship issues and being chased by a lion.

So the nervous system reacts. The most common way for it to react is to remove the man from the threat. Withdrawal, emotional avoidance, defensiveness. These now become the norm. Over time this heightened state can lead to things like hypervigilance, the replaying of every encounter.

Becoming steady instead of useful

What if the man can come to see that their role isn’t to provide solutions or fix things? What if the man comes to see that his role is to stay present without escalating the situation? That his role is to remain, even when things are uncomfortable or it strays into unfamiliar territory.

This steadiness, of remaining, of self-regulation may be the opposite of what he is used to. Ultimately, it achieves exactly what he was looking to do by being useful, identifying his role. A simple framework that I recommend for men is, Sit. Listen. Believe.

Find time to sit, not in the middle of dinner, or a chore. A time when you can both be present. Listen actively, not just waiting your turn to speak, but actively listening to what is being said and considering the impact of that. Finally, believe. Even if you’ve done your research, attended the training, read the book, believe the lived experience of the person in front of you.

Many men are led to believe that caring is best expressed through action. That being passive shows a lack of concern. Therefore it is easy for them to bring these two together and create a sense that “simply being” is showing a lack of care.

The menopause asks a different question of us as men. Can we remain present when there is nothing to fix?

Places where you can connect with Pat

LinkedIn

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This conversation is part of an ongoing series exploring men’s responses to the menopause transition.

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