Most men don’t experience the menopause transition as a series of hormonal changes. They experience it as a series of relationship changes.

They notice distance growing, they notice intimacy declining, they notice barbs entering what used to be normal conversations. The relationship can begin to feel increasingly functional. Conversations revolve around children’s appointments, grocery lists and trash day. The moments that once felt effortless seem to require more thought, while the changes themselves often remain unspoken because neither partner can fully explain what is happening. Life continues, but it no longer feels as familiar as it once did.

Uncertainty Replaces Familiarity

Over time, that sense of familiarity is replaced by uncertainty. There is uncertainty about what kind of day today will be, uncertainty about whether a conversation will end in connection or conflict, and uncertainty about how to respond when the person you love seems to be experiencing something neither of you fully understands. Even when there are good days, there can be a feeling that the ground beneath the relationship has shifted, making it harder to trust what tomorrow might bring.

During my recent Substack Live, offered an explanation that changed the way I think about this experience.

“Any change has the potential of triggering that threat response.”

Perimenopause is viewed as neither good nor bad. It is simply experienced as something different. That difference alone is enough to capture the brain’s attention. Throughout our evolution, change has often signalled that our environment deserves closer observation, so the brain responds by becoming more alert. It starts watching more carefully, looking for patterns and trying to determine whether this new situation requires us to adapt. Before we have consciously made sense of what is happening, our nervous system has already recognised that something important has changed.

This isn’t a male perspective, it’s a human one. As Paul said later in our conversation:

“It’s safer to assume danger and risk and be wrong than it is to assume safety and be wrong.”

Basic Survival

That’s a basic survival instinct. The brain doesn’t differentiate between a conversation that slides into conflict and being chased by a lion. Physiologically, many of the same systems become active. Heart rate increases, attention narrows and the mind starts scanning the environment more closely. Long before we have consciously decided whether something is dangerous, the brain has already begun preparing us to respond.

When the relationship you’ve relied upon for years begins to feel different, that same system can become active. The rhythm you once knew is disrupted and things that once felt predictable become less so. Plans change. Conversations take unexpected turns. Familiar ways of connecting no longer seem to have the same effect. None of those changes necessarily mean the relationship is in danger, but they are enough to hold the brain’s attention.

That helps explain why many men begin asking more questions. They want to understand what has changed and, more importantly, whether the relationship is still safe. Those questions often focus on impact rather than symptoms. “What’s wrong?” “What can I do?” “How do we get back to where we were?” Meanwhile, their partner may be trying to understand why she is waking at three in the morning, why she feels exhausted or why emotions that once felt manageable now seem unpredictable. They are living through the same transition, but experiencing completely different problems.

I often think about the way men and women search for information online. A man may type, “Why doesn’t my wife want to be close to me?” His partner may be searching, “Why am I awake at 3am every night?” Neither question is unreasonable. They simply reflect two very different experiences of the same stage of life.

At the heart of those searches is something Dr. Paul Jenkins said:

“Threat is always perceived whether it’s real or not.”

Perception Creates Response

If the brain perceives a threat, it responds as though one exists. It doesn’t wait for certainty. That doesn’t mean the relationship is failing. It means the brain has recognised significant change and is trying to work out whether it needs to protect us.

The encouraging part is that the threat response isn’t the end of the story.

“Awareness precedes choice.”

Once we recognise what the brain is doing, we are no longer being carried along by it without noticing. We can recognise heightened alertness for what it is instead of allowing it to shape every interaction. We can ask different questions, slow our reactions and remember that change, on its own, is not evidence that something is wrong.

Perimenopause asks both partners to adapt to a relationship that no longer follows familiar patterns. For many men, that can feel deeply unsettling because predictability has been replaced by uncertainty. The brain has evolved to notice change because, throughout human history, overlooking genuine threats carried enormous consequences. That instinct has served us well for thousands of years. But in a relationship, especially one moving through perimenopause, the changes we notice are often invitations to understand rather than warnings to defend against.

During the Live Paul offered a free ebook called Portable Positivity you can download it here.

You can watch the full conversation here:

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During the live Paul made available a free guide - Portable Positivity - you can get it at www.drpauljenkins.com/tqt

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This is a quote I had during a conversation recently with about how men hide stress.

I think that this is so counterintuitive for most men. Being still is the opposite of what men think of when they are going to fix things. Without momentum, without forward movement then men believe they are failing.

A man’s partner is awake at 3am, he notices this, he notices that she is tired and irritable the next day, that she isn’t as clear headed as usual. His natural response is to do something, maybe he even asks the question “What can I do?” The response could be anything from a task to “I don’t know”.

We naturally fill those gaps with our own interpretation and meaning. But as Natalie points out -

“It is not the time to self-blame, to blame others, to assign meaning.”

However, the natural path of things is to do exactly that. To self-blame, to blame others and assign meaning. And the types of meanings men apply tend to catastrophize what is happening. Is this about me? Have I done something wrong? Am I no longer enough?

These, and other questions and interpretations are made because of a lack of information and solid feedback. We are often at a point where our partners can’t give it. They are dealing with this transition in their body that is manifesting in many different ways, at different times and on different days. Even if they have language to describe what they are experiencing they might not be able to reliably describe what is going to happen at any given moment.

While we are personalizing and internalizing the changes that are occurring we can often miss the moments where we can shift away from that mindset. Natalie phrased it this way -

“If your partner has other ways of showing you that they are still there, notice them.”

These might be something simple like holding your hand as you cross a parking lot or making sure you have your favorite snacks on game day. They might not be the ways in which you have measured the health of your relationship before. Perhaps using intimacy, both physical and emotional as a barometer to gauge it. But those moments exist and they can be easy to miss if we are looking to the past.

While men are looking to make sense of what is happening externally there is something else going on internally.

Men often look fine, or even say it out loud, when in fact they are suppressing stress, often because they don’t recognize the stress they are holding. What happens when this stays suppressed too long? What happens when that stress has to be released? Back to Natalie -

“...sometimes the only way to get there is through the acting out, is through the outburst, is through the overwhelm.”

For some men this strain can show up physically too, back pain, teeth grinding, aching jaws, an overall tightness in the body. It affects the whole person, physically and mentally. That in turn affects how they show up in the world, and in their relationships.

Men can see suppression as coping. If they aren’t saying it out loud, that they are overwhelmed, that they are confused it can lead to a body that becomes strained to the point of sickness. Natalie described it as -

“Disease, dis-ease... I’m not at ease. You’re holding dis-ease in your body.”

In the end Men become so practiced at appearing composed that they can lose awareness of their own stress. That stress doesn’t disappear, it eventually emerges through behaviour, physical symptoms, or emotional overwhelm.

Holding still can feel like doing nothing, when in fact it’s the act of resisting the urge to panic, to personalize and internalize. To see that not all situations require fixing or a solution, and being comfortable with that. Understanding that the fix lies not in movement but in holding still.

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I sat down with recently for a substack live. During our conversation Pat said, “They’ve been accustomed, they’ve wired their mind to be on the go all the time, to fix, to fire-fight…” and that made me think about how difficult stillness can feel for men who have spent their entire lives believing action is what makes them useful.

Why “just be there” feels impossible

As men we so often think in terms of solutions, to be the fixer. For some men that is how they were raised, for others it is something that is impressed upon them from society. However they acquire that way of thinking it becomes their go to for every and all situations.

This is especially true of the way they approach relationships, be they personal or professional. They want to be of help, or they simply want to provide a fix and move on. In many situations this works. Mostly it helps them. They can feel useful. That’s not to say their solutions or fixes don’t work, many times that is exactly what is needed.

The menopause transition provides a situation where solution providing, fixing isn’t possible, at least not in the way many men are used to doing. Women in the menopause transition aren’t broken, they aren’t a problem to be solved. This creates a tension in men. If their role isn’t to fix or solve then what is their role?

Suddenly, the paradigm through which they frame the world ceases to work. Usefulness equals action, action means solving. And now they are faced with a situation that requires them not to act. That stillness can feel irresponsible to men who have built their identity around fixing things.

Presence feels passive

Often what the woman wants is not a solution, not a fix, just a presence. To be seen and heard. To have their experience acknowledged. This is where tension can come in. Presence feels passive, even though it isn’t. For a man, realizing that there is no solution to this situation, that this isn’t just going to be resolved because of a few actions that they take can lead them to withdraw from the situation.

The withdrawal doesn’t come from a place of not caring, rather they withdraw because they don’t wish to do or say the wrong thing. It is a form of self-protection. And it happens at precisely the moment the woman needs support. Friction can feel as though it is inevitable. Silence becomes a norm, easier to not mention it than to say the wrong thing. Except silence itself feels dangerous.

Emotionally, this lack of action feels wrong. “If I care about this person, then I should be able to help, I should be able to make things better, I should be able to do something”.

The nervous system doesn’t know the difference

For some men, not knowing what to do sets up the same alarm system as any other unresolved threat. The nervous system can’t distinguish between the friction created externally by the unresolved relationship issues and being chased by a lion.

So the nervous system reacts. The most common way for it to react is to remove the man from the threat. Withdrawal, emotional avoidance, defensiveness. These now become the norm. Over time this heightened state can lead to things like hypervigilance, the replaying of every encounter.

Becoming steady instead of useful

What if the man can come to see that their role isn’t to provide solutions or fix things? What if the man comes to see that his role is to stay present without escalating the situation? That his role is to remain, even when things are uncomfortable or it strays into unfamiliar territory.

This steadiness, of remaining, of self-regulation may be the opposite of what he is used to. Ultimately, it achieves exactly what he was looking to do by being useful, identifying his role. A simple framework that I recommend for men is, Sit. Listen. Believe.

Find time to sit, not in the middle of dinner, or a chore. A time when you can both be present. Listen actively, not just waiting your turn to speak, but actively listening to what is being said and considering the impact of that. Finally, believe. Even if you’ve done your research, attended the training, read the book, believe the lived experience of the person in front of you.

Many men are led to believe that caring is best expressed through action. That being passive shows a lack of concern. Therefore it is easy for them to bring these two together and create a sense that “simply being” is showing a lack of care.

The menopause asks a different question of us as men. Can we remain present when there is nothing to fix?

Places where you can connect with Pat

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