“I had barely heard the term perimenopause, even though I’m very well educated and passionate about women’s health.” That was the surprising quote from a recent conversation with Laura Tetenbaum, author of the book Millennial Menopause.

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I was surprised by this because we typically see millennials as well informed. They are digital natives, they talk openly about subjects that have been previously almost taboo, like mental health. They live in an information rich society. So where is the disconnect?

The lack of good, well grounded and relatable information available for women, while getting better, is still nowhere it needs to be. If it isn’t reaching GenX women, it most certainly isn’t reaching millennial women.

Even when they have some information, some awareness, what they are usually missing is the preparation. What does the menopause transition mean for a millennial woman? Mothers, who may be experiencing this transition themselves may not have talked about it with their daughters, or if they have it may well have been just a conversation about symptoms.

Nobody Expects It Yet

Typically, when we talk about the menopause transition we envisage women in their late 40’s, early 50’s (after all the average age in the US for arriving at menopause is 51). That places those women firmly in Gen X territory.

Except the true picture of the menopause transition is much broader than that. The symptoms can arrive as early as the mid-30’s, and persist for up to 10 years, sometimes longer. These women aren’t expecting this life stage. A lot of them are at a career inflection point, deciding to move forward and embrace new opportunities. Perhaps some of them are considering starting a family or adding to an existing one.

What they are not thinking about is a life stage that changes everything.

As Lauren pointed out:

“Women that I see still tend to not recognize themselves within the label of perimenopause.”

That label just doesn’t fit the image of a millennial woman. But of the 2 million women entering perimenopause each year in the US up to 500,000 of them are millennials.

When Nobody Believes You

The type and severity of the symptoms they might experience are as unique as the woman herself. Perhaps she decides to consult with a medical professional, her PCP or OB/GYN, only to be told that she is too young to be perimenopausal.

As Lauren pointed out in our conversation -

“If someone is constantly telling you, no, you’re fine, and you’re not, that is going to really impact your mood and your sense of self.”

Women being dismissed by the medical profession isn’t something that is surprising. It is especially common with the menopause transition because of the lack of training that Drs receive. So when a woman is told she is fine, her labs look great, she is left with this feeling that there is something else wrong with her. Perhaps she is imaging things, being over-reactive to situations, or just not coping as well as she should.

Then there is the relationship that starts to become strained. I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me her partner refused to believe she was in perimenopause. Even after her Doctor confirmed it for her. Why? Because what did that mean for him if she was at that stage of life, was he suddenly “old”?

This isn’t uncommon among men, to personalize the menopause transition. To place themselves at the center of the issue. They look to fix a situation, to provide a solution. That is what they are taught to do. To solve things. When faced with a situation that can’t be fixed and has no neat solution, they can find themselves facing an identity shift. “Who am I, if I can’t be useful?”

The Ripples Beyond Her

The menopause transition doesn’t stay at home, the symptoms don’t stop at the front door. A woman carries them with her into her daily life. Perhaps she works outside of the home. Does her workplace make accommodations for women facing this life change? Many don’t. I recently heard an HR professional say “Menopause isn’t on our radar yet”.

These ripples affect their partner, they can roll into his work environment, disturbed sleep, a cycle of conflict at home and more means that others are experiencing the impact of the menopause transition without even realizing it. There aren’t workplace accommodations for men experiencing the menopause transition alongside their partners.

The symptoms people talk about, hot flashes, brain fog, mood swings are the focus of a lot of conversations. And those symptoms are very real. But the symptoms don’t stop there. Each woman’s symptoms will vary across a plethora of symptoms (anywhere up to 100). Suddenly that person that was self-confident and had vision and focus, starts to shift. And that shift can bring with it a loss of confidence.

The Opportunity Millennials Have

For some women it isn’t all doom and gloom. For many they find that they have a new clarity about life. Lauren expressed this as:

“I feel like the best version of myself. I know myself. I don’t stand for bullshit anymore.”

What happens when a generation is more informed, more aware and better prepared for this transitional phase?

The symptoms don’t disappear. The hormonal changes don’t become less significant. The challenges to relationships, careers and identity don’t suddenly go away.

What changes is the experience of them.

Women recognize the signs earlier. Partners understand what they are seeing. Conversations happen sooner. Healthcare is sought earlier. Support arrives before years have been lost to confusion, self-doubt and misdiagnosis.

Preparation doesn’t prevent the menopause transition. It prevents people from facing it alone.

And perhaps that is the real opportunity for millennials. Not to avoid this life stage, but to become the first generation to enter it with the language, knowledge and support that previous generations were denied.

You can connect with Lauren here:

LinkedIn

Website

You can purchase her book Millennial Menopause here

Watch the full conversation

I sat down with recently for a substack live. During our conversation Pat said, “They’ve been accustomed, they’ve wired their mind to be on the go all the time, to fix, to fire-fight…” and that made me think about how difficult stillness can feel for men who have spent their entire lives believing action is what makes them useful.

Why “just be there” feels impossible

As men we so often think in terms of solutions, to be the fixer. For some men that is how they were raised, for others it is something that is impressed upon them from society. However they acquire that way of thinking it becomes their go to for every and all situations.

This is especially true of the way they approach relationships, be they personal or professional. They want to be of help, or they simply want to provide a fix and move on. In many situations this works. Mostly it helps them. They can feel useful. That’s not to say their solutions or fixes don’t work, many times that is exactly what is needed.

The menopause transition provides a situation where solution providing, fixing isn’t possible, at least not in the way many men are used to doing. Women in the menopause transition aren’t broken, they aren’t a problem to be solved. This creates a tension in men. If their role isn’t to fix or solve then what is their role?

Suddenly, the paradigm through which they frame the world ceases to work. Usefulness equals action, action means solving. And now they are faced with a situation that requires them not to act. That stillness can feel irresponsible to men who have built their identity around fixing things.

Presence feels passive

Often what the woman wants is not a solution, not a fix, just a presence. To be seen and heard. To have their experience acknowledged. This is where tension can come in. Presence feels passive, even though it isn’t. For a man, realizing that there is no solution to this situation, that this isn’t just going to be resolved because of a few actions that they take can lead them to withdraw from the situation.

The withdrawal doesn’t come from a place of not caring, rather they withdraw because they don’t wish to do or say the wrong thing. It is a form of self-protection. And it happens at precisely the moment the woman needs support. Friction can feel as though it is inevitable. Silence becomes a norm, easier to not mention it than to say the wrong thing. Except silence itself feels dangerous.

Emotionally, this lack of action feels wrong. “If I care about this person, then I should be able to help, I should be able to make things better, I should be able to do something”.

The nervous system doesn’t know the difference

For some men, not knowing what to do sets up the same alarm system as any other unresolved threat. The nervous system can’t distinguish between the friction created externally by the unresolved relationship issues and being chased by a lion.

So the nervous system reacts. The most common way for it to react is to remove the man from the threat. Withdrawal, emotional avoidance, defensiveness. These now become the norm. Over time this heightened state can lead to things like hypervigilance, the replaying of every encounter.

Becoming steady instead of useful

What if the man can come to see that their role isn’t to provide solutions or fix things? What if the man comes to see that his role is to stay present without escalating the situation? That his role is to remain, even when things are uncomfortable or it strays into unfamiliar territory.

This steadiness, of remaining, of self-regulation may be the opposite of what he is used to. Ultimately, it achieves exactly what he was looking to do by being useful, identifying his role. A simple framework that I recommend for men is, Sit. Listen. Believe.

Find time to sit, not in the middle of dinner, or a chore. A time when you can both be present. Listen actively, not just waiting your turn to speak, but actively listening to what is being said and considering the impact of that. Finally, believe. Even if you’ve done your research, attended the training, read the book, believe the lived experience of the person in front of you.

Many men are led to believe that caring is best expressed through action. That being passive shows a lack of concern. Therefore it is easy for them to bring these two together and create a sense that “simply being” is showing a lack of care.

The menopause asks a different question of us as men. Can we remain present when there is nothing to fix?

Places where you can connect with Pat

LinkedIn

Instagram

Substack

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This conversation is part of an ongoing series exploring men’s responses to the menopause transition.

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This substack runs on copious amounts of tea. If you’d like to support it you can always buy me a cuppa.

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Get more from Simon Salt in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

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This substack is powered by copious amounts of tea. If you enjoy the content perhaps consider Buying Me a Cuppa.

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Get more from Simon Salt in the Substack app

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