The Quiet Transition

Menopause is Everywhere

Simon Salt — Tue, 08 Sep 2026 13:25:13 GMT

“Menopause is having a moment”, how many times have you heard that? And in part it is true. Menopause is talked about more freely than before. There are books, podcasts, news articles, Substack articles, blog posts, etc. Celebrities are opening up about their own menopause transition journeys. It has nicknames like the Age of Rage, or Reverse Puberty.

It feels like everyone is talking about it

Even men (yes, myself included) are writing and talking about it (though not in great numbers). But it’s happening. There are supplements being advocated for, MHT conversations about whether it is a good solution, a solution at all, the answer to everything. There are sex toys that promise better sex during the menopause transition. Many of them are promoted by well known clinicians. This article by Naomi Gottlieb Miller -

What moves you

Perimenopause has an Influencer Problem

Hi! If you’re new here, I’m Naomi. I’ve been teaching movement for 21 years and writing about all things movement, fitness, wellness, and health for nearly as long…

11 days ago · 267 likes · 10 comments · Naomi Gottlieb-Miller

describes the issues with that particular aspect of the menopause conversation, so I won’t repeat it here. Needless to say, separating the wheat from the chaff is no easy task.

I decided to look at a small ecosystem - Substack and see how the menopause conversation is going there. I publish a weekly article - The Midlife Brief - https://www.thequiettransition.com/t/midlife-brief where I feature four different writers covering the menopause transition each week. I have been publishing this for 27 weeks and have featured 108 different writers over that time. And those are just the ones I selected for the article, there were many more to choose from.

It would seem from my own experiment that Substack has a healthy amount of conversations happening about the menopause transition. I decided to broaden my scope and look at Substacks own rankings for Health & Wellness - https://substack.com/explore/category/health

What does Substack tell us

Of the 166 distinct publications represented across the bestseller and rising lists I looked at (some publications appear on both the bestseller and the rising lists) I found only four that explicitly referenced menopause in their publication title or bio.

(If this topic interests you at all, I highly recommend subscribing to these writers).

For the people writing, reading, listening and watching menopause content on a regular basis this can seem like it is the topic du jour but is it? Writers read one another. Doctors appear on the same podcasts. Advocates follow one another. Readers subscribe to several menopause publications. Algorithms learn that we’re interested in menopause and consequently show us even more menopause content.

All this creates the impression that menopause has entered the mainstream conversation. In some ways it clearly has. Being visible isn’t the same thing as being integrated into the wider health conversation.

In a 2025 AARP survey of 4,436 U.S. women aged 18+, 32% said they lacked important knowledge about menopause. Nearly 70% said there was a need for greater public education about menopause. We have more menopause information than perhaps ever before, while women themselves continue to report that they need more information.

Another study of 947 perimenopausal women found that more than 60% said they had felt “not informed at all” about perimenopause/menopause before age 40. 68.2% only began looking for menopause information once their symptoms had started. If women are largely encountering menopause information only once they have a reason to search for it, then producing more menopause content alone doesn’t necessarily close the information gap. The information also has to reach women before they know they need it.

Has menopause become a widely discussed subject without yet becoming a widely integrated health subject?

What does “mainstream menopause” look like?

We tend to measure the success of a topic by the amount it is being talked about. But is that really just a crude measurement that only holds true for those already seeking the information?

The next real stage is if menopause becomes part of the greater women’s health conversations. A woman reading about cardiovascular health in midlife should encounter menopause. Someone trying to understand changing sleep shouldn’t have to already suspect perimenopause before it enters the conversation. The same applies to bone health, mental health, sexual health and cognition. Women shouldn’t have to know the word they are looking for.

The menopause conversation hasn’t failed to grow, but it seems to be growing sideways, at least that’s what my small experiment seems to show. There are a lot of writers and clinicians creating extraordinary work about this stage of life. A lot of that conversation is still happening within the menopause ecosystem.

Perhaps a better measure of progress isn’t how much menopause content we can find when we go looking for it. It’s how much we find when we aren’t looking for it at all.

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The Midlife Brief

Simon Salt — Fri, 04 Sep 2026 13:25:05 GMT

Hi, , welcome to the 6th month edition of the Midlife Brief.

I’m sharing the posts that I found most interesting and helpful this week.

Some are menopause specific, others are more midlife focused. All have been posts that made my “saved” list.

Let me know if you’ve saved posts and if you think I would find them helpful.

Menopause Transition

What moves you

Perimenopause has an Influencer Problem

Hi! If you’re new here, I’m Naomi. I’ve been teaching movement for 21 years and writing about all things movement, fitness, wellness, and health for nearly as long…

10 days ago · 252 likes · 8 comments · Naomi Gottlieb-Miller

Alchemy & Ash

11 Things I Wish I Knew Before Perimenopause

When I first started going through perimenopause, I was flailing in a sea of podcasts and audiobooks telling me all the things I should be doing, from hormones and diet to strength training and supplements…

10 days ago · 17 likes · 12 comments · Jessie May ✨ Alchemy & Ash

The Gingham Edit

I’m almost afraid to say this, to put it out here on the internet, for any and all to critique. I can already anticipate the eye rolls, hear the patronizing commentary. Yet, I feel compelled to share my perimenopause experience. Partly because as women it is a universal life stage and hearing candid stories can be so helpful. But mostly because, desp…

21 days ago · 59 likes

Emma's Coven II

Perimenopause Starts Earlier Than Anyone Admits and Nobody’s Ready

I was in Tesco last Tuesday grabbing emergency oat milk when it hit me. Not a hot flush. Not yet. Just this stupid, nagging thought that would not leave me alone. I am 30. My periods are still regula…

9 days ago · Emma Webb! 🇬🇧❤️

If you find The Midlife Brief useful, please share it with others.

Midlife

Why High-Achieving Women Are Exhausted in Midlife

The Four Tired Types

You’ve told people you’re “fine” so many times it’s started to feel true, even when it isn’t…

6 days ago · Dr. Peggy Gleason

The Evidence

Why Are So Many Midlife Women Calling Themselves Lazy?

I keep seeing women confess that they have become lazy…

4 days ago · 1 like · Cheryl Pullins

Tanya Lawson In Practice

The Beautiful Life Isn’t What I Thought

Starting this project felt a little daunting at first. Beginning again always does…

4 days ago · 4 likes · 3 comments · Tanya Lawson In Practice

Actually Honest with Libby Ward

Heaven is Female Friends, Outdoor Yoga and Dinner I Didn’t Cook.

Recently, after a long day of attempting to work while meeting the needs of my medium sized children who were less capable of entertaining themselves than I anticipated this summer, I got a break…

14 days ago · 3 likes · 1 comment · Libby Ward

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What If Menopause Isn't the Whole Story?

Simon Salt — Tue, 01 Sep 2026 13:25:09 GMT

Photo by Branislav Rodman on Unsplash

A woman in her mid 40’s might be experiencing poor sleep, leading to her feeling exhausted. Her joints ache. She can’t concentrate as well as she used to. She’s more anxious than usual and occasionally feels her heart racing.

She does what a lot of women do, she begins a search for her symptoms, perhaps she discusses them with friends or relatives, maybe even consults social media. The conclusion she might arrive at - Perimenopause.

Awareness vs Assumption

We now have much greater public awareness of the menopause transition (though I would argue not nearly enough), but that public awareness doesn’t always translate into either clinical or familial support. In a 2026 survey of 1,000 U.S. women aged 35–59 in the perimenopause stage, 72% reported experiencing pushback from doctors, friends, or family when they raised the possibility that their symptoms were related to perimenopause (ThisIsMenopause, 2026).

Using the resources she has available she has come to her own conclusion that perimenopause is the most likely reason for how she is feeling. The problem is that awareness shouldn’t become assumption.

Let’s look back at her symptoms - poor sleep, aching joints, can’t concentrate as well as she used to. She’s more anxious than usual and occasionally feels her heart racing.

All of these can occur during the menopause transition. But they are also non-specific. They can occur across numerous conditions and as part of other processes.

What we can say is that knowing that a symptom can occur during perimenopause doesn’t necessarily tell us that perimenopause is causing it.

When Symptoms Overlap

Long COVID - common symptoms include fatigue, brain fog, sleep disturbance, headaches, dizziness, palpitations, muscle and joint pain. In fact Newson et al (2021) found that seventy percent of women surveyed with Long COVID believed that some of their symptoms could be related to perimenopause or menopause.

Thyroid disease - common symptoms include fatigue, cognitive difficulties, mood changes, temperature sensitivity, palpitations and menstrual changes. Sowers et al. (2003) found that because of the overlapping of symptoms clinicians differentiate between Thyroid disease and menopausal symptoms.

Sleep disorders - A review (Hall et al - 2015) specifically examining insomnia and sleep apnea in midlife women found that approximately 50% experience insomnia and reported that around 20% develop sleep-disordered breathing during the menopause transition. The consequences of sleep disturbance include impaired mental and physical functioning all of which can also be attributed to the menopause transition.

Aging - Given that aging and the menopause transition happens at the same time, how do we clearly define which is responsible for a particular symptom. This does not excuse women being told their symptoms are simply due to them aging. Harlow et al. (2017) found that symptom patterns in midlife women were present before menopause and often remained stable throughout the menopause transition.

OR vs AND

The question becomes not is the menopause OR something else but is this menopause AND something else.

A woman can be perimenopausal and iron deficient.

Perimenopausal and have Long COVID.

Perimenopausal and develop thyroid disease.

Perimenopausal and have sleep apnea.

And all of the above will have symptoms that can also be identified as part of the menopause transition. What becomes important is the symptoms that can be more readily assigned to the menopause transition, for example changing periods and suddenly experiencing hot flashes tells a clinician a lot more about the likelihood of perimenopause than fatigue and brain fog on their own.

What we are moving toward is that “common in menopause” and “specific to menopause” are very different things. The risk is that as awareness improves, menopause shouldn’t become a diagnostic endpoint that prevents investigation of other possible contributors.

We are making progress in informing women, men and clinicians about menopausal symptoms, we still have a long way to go. Taking menopausal symptoms seriously is an important step and at the same time it requires us to also look beyond that as the only cause.

What this really means is treating the whole woman. Not a group of symptoms, but her complete experience. That doesn’t mean the menopause transition isn’t the cause, it means it could be that and something else.

This article is not meant as medical advice and is for information purposes only.

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The Midlife Brief

Simon Salt — Fri, 28 Aug 2026 13:25:37 GMT

Hi,

I’m sharing the posts that I found most interesting and helpful this week.

Some are menopause specific, others are more midlife focused. All have been posts that made my “saved” list.

Let me know if you’ve saved posts and if you think I would find them helpful.

Menopause Transition

Dr. Susan Fox

A Healthy Menopause

I recently had a conversation with Katrina Valenti, in which she strongly asserts that a woman’s healthy aging builds years, and sometimes decades, before menopause. While hormones naturally change over time, the way we experience those changes is influenced by how we move, how we eat, how we manage stress, how we care for our mental health - in short, …

13 days ago · 1 like · 1 comment · Dr. Susan Fox

The Feminine Shift

Menopause and Female Power with Dr Sharon Moloney

16 days ago · 3 likes · Lisa Fitzpatrick

Nervana Medical-C.Debenham

Perimenopause vs Menopause

Hot flashes do not tell us which decade your ovaries are in. A missed period does not either…

17 days ago · 3 likes · Nervana Medical-C.Debenham

Dr. Jumana Al-Deek DO Substack

What Really Happens To Your Skin In Menopause

Women expect hot flashes, night sweats and changes in their periods during perimenopause. What many don’t expect is how much their skin can change. Suddenly the moisturizer you have used for years doesn’t seem to work anymore. Your skin feels drier or more sensitive. Fine lines seem deeper. Your face may not feel as firm. You might develop acne along yo…

15 days ago · The Midlife Medicine Report

If you find The Midlife Brief useful, please share it with others.

Midlife

Laura | Midlife Reimagined

The Yoga that EVERY Woman in Midlife Needs

If you are new here, welcome to Midlife Reimagined! My name is Laura and I’ve been inspiring women navigating midlife through Life Coaching + Yoga + Wellness for over 30 years. If you are ready to ma…

13 days ago · 1 like

Hotflash inc menopause + midlife by Ann Marie McQueen

A few things making my midlife lighter

Dagsmejan pajamas…

14 days ago · Hotflash Inc

Reboot Midlife

The Midlife Middle :

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought…

16 days ago · Reboot Midlife

Twenty tabs open with Robyn Law

Midlife adult friendships

Midlife is wild…

15 days ago · 1 like · Robyn Law

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Menopause Doesn’t Create the Cracks

Simon Salt — Tue, 25 Aug 2026 13:25:43 GMT

“I sometimes wished for five or six years that more men would get involved in the conversation.”

This is something that Ann Marie McQueen, the creator of said to me on our recent Substack Live.

Men And The Important Conversation

We are slowly seeing more men enter the conversation. The MATE survey shows that 72% of the men they surveyed said they were having conversations about their partners menopause experience with them. The data point that goes with that is less encouraging. 72% said their partner initiated the conversation.

We want men in the conversation, but they still don’t know how to enter it. They are reliant on women inviting them in. For some men, I believe what stops them is fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing, at the wrong time, and making the situation more tense than it needs to be.

Ann Marie and I agreed that men need to take the initiative to educate themselves about this transitional stage in their relationship and that it isn’t incumbent on women to be their educators. That education goes beyond books, podcasts and newsletters. All of those are very useful and allow men to ask well informed questions during those conversations. What they don’t replace is the education that the men can get from their partner’s lived experience.

It is one thing to have read about Hot Flashes, it is quite another to understand what that means to your partner. And until you do you don’t have the knowledge you need.

These conversations also need to extend beyond symptoms.

The Cracks That Are Already There

As the title of this article says, perimenopause doesn’t usually cause cracks in relationships, it reveals them. And this is the important extension of those conversations. Because they are still about the lived experience that the partner is having.

Those cracks can take many forms. Who carries the emotional load? Who remembers appointments? Who plans meals? Who knows what the household needs?

A University of Michigan study found that women with husbands pick up about 7 extra hours a week of housework, while men with wives saved themselves about an hour a week. The real takeaway here isn’t that women do more to operate a household, it’s that the arrangements that have set this up have been in place for years, sometimes decades. And at this stage those arrangements become no longer tenable. This is not the fault of individual relationships, this is a familiar pattern shaped by the society we live in. As I said during the conversation

“Men are centered and women are taught to orbit them.”

Ann Marie highlighted this with a simple question that a woman might ask herself

“Why have I been doing that?”

Time To Renegotiate

This is more than just the division of labor in the home though. This period of unmasking involves changes in biology and physiology for the woman. Those include the symptoms that she is experiencing but also how those symptoms show up. For example a lack of sexual desire can’t simply be ascribed to a low libido (though that is certainly one symptom) sometimes penetrative sex is physically painful. Changes in thermal regulation, showing up as hot flashes which can reduce the desire for physical contact.Sleepless nights can lead to irritability which can create tension in the relationship and a breakdown in communication.

All of this can change the way a relationship works. And to weather those changes the relationship needs to be renegotiated. This renegotiation requires a careful look at those cracks that have been revealed. As Ann Marie put it

“We both hold the responsibility for readjusting the relationship in this time.”

What does this renegotiation actually look like? As I mentioned this is more than who takes on which responsibility around the house (though that plays a part), it’s about making the needed adjustments that reflect the new reality that partners find themselves in.

For my relationship the outcome of the renegotiation was very simple. My Wife said

“I finally feel seen”.

Being in the conversation is more than just understanding or talking about symptoms. It’s being willing to listen to the lived experience of your partner and what that tells you about her, about you, and about the relationship you’ve built together.

You can watch the full conversation below

Want to add to the conversation. Leave a comment. I reply to them all.

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This substack runs on copious amounts of tea. If you’d like to support it, you could always buy me a cuppa.

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The Midlife Brief

Simon Salt — Fri, 21 Aug 2026 13:25:46 GMT

I’m sharing the posts that I found most interesting and helpful this week.

Some are menopause specific, others are more midlife focused. All have been posts that made my “saved” list.

Let me know if you’ve saved posts and if you think I would find them helpful.

Menopause Transition

Kirsten

Menopause care is primary care

Menopause medicine belongs in primary care…

22 days ago · Kirsten

Hormone Literate | Moore Integrative Health

Most People Think Perimenopause Is Something to Survive. I Don’t.

A few years ago, I started noticing subtle changes. My stress tolerance wasn’t what it used to be. My sleep felt less predictable. Workouts that once energized me sometimes left me feeling depleted. There were moments when I felt like I was doing all the “right” things and somehow getting different results…

20 days ago · 2 likes · Chelsie Moore, MS, CNS, LDN

The Quiet Work

Nobody thought women needed to know.

If you’re wondering why everyone’s suddenly talking about menopause. It’s because there was ZERO information until Generation X reached menopause…

a month ago · 19 likes · 19 comments · Wilde

Deborah McCarren

Menopause is Over. The Health Effects Aren't.

Menopause marks an important point in a woman’s health story, but it doesn’t stop there. It keeps going—through our bone health, heart health, muscle strength, bladder and pelvic health, sleep, and all the other things that still matter long after our periods end…

21 days ago · Deborah McCarren

If you find The Midlife Brief useful, please share it with others.

Midlife

Midlife Business Brain

How Independent Midlife Providers Can Turn Internet "Menopause Celebrities" into Practice Growth

Let’s face it: the internet has completely transformed how midlife women approach their health. Everywhere you look, high-profile celebrity doctors, authors, and online advocates are breaking decades of medical silence. Figures like Dr. Mary Claire Haver, Dr. Jen Gunter, and Kelly Casperson, etc. have cracked open a massive cultural conversation. Millio…

20 days ago · 1 like · Midlife Business Brain

Midlife Gracefully

They Used The Word Selfish To Make Me Small. I'm Taking It Back.

Selfish…

21 days ago · 27 likes · 23 comments · Midlife Gracefully

Midlife, Reconnected.

What’s It Called Again?

The Midlife Brain, Explained Thanks for reading Dr. Ute Swanson Coaching! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work…

20 days ago · Midlife, Reconnected

Midlife Atelier

Midlife Pivot at 42: Desperate for a Change

A childhood dream was reawakened in me when I turned 30. After a divine appointment (more on that in another article), the dream of becoming a fashion designer and having my own boutique became very real to me. It had lied dormant for over 10 years (and….now you understand the name of my publication…

22 days ago · 4 likes · 9 comments · Dari Hernandez

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Bring Your Partner to The OB/GYN

Simon Salt — Tue, 18 Aug 2026 13:24:28 GMT

The Fashion Times recently published an article under the title - ‘Unfair’: Woman Says She Had to Bring Her Husband to Be Taken Seriously Over Perimenopause, Sparking Debate Over Women’s Healthcare

They picked up the story from the woman’s TikTok post seen here reposted on Reddit.

In the video she describes having been dismissed by four OB/GYN’s, being told that she should try diet and exercise etc. For her most recent appointment she decided to take her husband with her to provide an extra voice that her symptoms were real.

Surprise - An Unsurprising Outcome

Unfortunately, and perhaps unsurprisingly, it worked. At the end of the video she tells us that she has labs ordered, a prescription filled and an ultrasound ordered. We don’t know what happened at those previous appointments but what we do know is that she finally feels seen and heard.

Sadly this isn’t an uncommon story. I’ve heard from many women and couples who have faced this struggle.

What we don’t know is if this particular OB/GYN would have been open to the conversation without her husband present anyway. Regardless of whether they would or wouldn’t have been open to it, the very fact that this woman saw taking her husband along as a last resort opens all kinds of questions.

Take Your Husband To Your Appointments

It might make you and/or your partner uncomfortable but take them anyway. For too long men have been excused from these conversations because it’s a “woman’s issue”. On the one hand we say we want men to be included and to be involved in these conversations and at the same time we shut them out of the room where the most important conversations are happening.

One poster left this comment -

“I bring my husband to every gyno appt. I swear I get better care. Plus, he needs to see and hear first hand what goes down there. He’s been to a pap, uterine biopsy, cervical biopsy, my IUD placement, etc. He always asks great questions, including gems like ‘why aren’t you giving her pain medicine for this highly invasive procedure.’ I ain’t going on this bullshit journey, with bullets to dodge left and right, on my own!”

Men should be in the room because they can then see and hear what she is being told firsthand. He provides another voice to ask questions, perhaps ones that she might have missed because of his perspective. Most importantly it makes it real that this isn’t something happening somewhere else in her life, it’s happening in the part of her life that affects both of them.

What stands out to me from that comment is this line - “he needs to see and hear first hand what goes down there.” I couldn’t agree more. Women’s health shouldn’t be a mystery to men, something that is shuffled off to a box marked “Women’s issues”.

What Debate?

What exactly are we debating? Are we debating that women experience these symptoms? Are we debating that their pain and suffering doesn’t deserve as much attention as men? Because there shouldn’t be a debate about women’s healthcare in the 21st Century. Historically there have been significant underfunding of research into women’s health. Men and their bodies are seen as the default, while women are seen as a “specialist” category. It’s much easier to underfund and sideline “specialisms” than it is to sideline mainstream healthcare.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking your partner to your OB/GYN appointments, there are very good reasons to do it. What should concern us most is that this woman got to the point where she felt taking him was the only way to be taken seriously.

Would you take your male partner to your next OB/GYN appointment because you want him there or because you think you’ll get better treatment?

Want to add to the conversation. Leave a comment. I reply to them all.

Leave a comment

If you found this post helpful, consider sharing it with someone who might also find it helpful.

This substack runs on copious amounts of tea. If you’d like to support it, you could always buy me a cuppa.

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The Midlife Brief

Simon Salt — Fri, 14 Aug 2026 13:26:08 GMT

I’m sharing the posts that I found most interesting and helpful this week.

Some are menopause specific, others are more midlife focused. All have been posts that made my “saved” list.

Let me know if you’ve saved posts and if you think I would find them helpful.

Menopause Transition

Perimenopause Unfiltered

The Perfect Catch-All

There was a time over two decades ago when I had little babies. All three popped out in under five years. As an ill-equipped, trauma-laden, perfectionistic young mother, I did my very best to do it right, and as many of us probably know by now, there is no way to do parenting right beyond apologizing profusely and loving your children with abandon, most…

a month ago · 6 likes · 1 comment · Perimenopause Unfiltered

The Kitchen Witch

Midlife crisis is real, and it's called perimenopause.

When I was young, I heard about the midlife crisis, but mostly the cliché version, a man buying a red convertible to feel young again, with a twenty-something in the passenger seat pretending his jokes are funny, so he can say he’s still got it. I assumed the whole midlife crisis thing was bullshit. But now, at 43 years old, having lived through interna…

a month ago · 19 likes · 19 comments · The Kitchen Witch

Everything Looks Good

When Everything Becomes “Perimenopause”

When I sit with women in this phase of life, what I hear is often very consistent. They have been told that what they are experiencing is perimenopause. The timing makes sense on paper. Cycles may be shifting. Sleep is less reliable. Anxiety feels different. Their body is responding in ways that feel unfamiliar, and there …

a month ago · Alex Mufson, LCSW

The Woman's Handbook

Is it Perimenopause Or Is It Life?

One of the biggest problems with perimenopause is knowing whether you’re actually in it. It can creep up on you. A slow but steady stream of changes that make you feel increasingly ‘off’: fatigue you can never quite sleep off, a smell you don’t recognise as your own, an unsettling feeling of dread with no obvious source. Not to mention that these sympto…

a month ago · 7 likes · 6 comments · Dr Natalie Hutchins

If you find The Midlife Brief useful, please share it with others.

Midlife

The Midlife Flip

How a Midlifer Turned Two Hobbies into Two Career Paths

Something different this week: Midlife Movers is an interview series that I’ll post every four to six weeks and will replace, at least at the start, that week’s post. I’ll be speaking to people from all walks of life who’ve shifted careers, started businesses, reshuffled relationships, or turned long‑held hobbies into something more…

a month ago · 12 likes · Claire Schoen

Second Spring Living

Midlifers- You Don’t Have to Make Up for Lost Time

I keep encountering some version of the same story about women entering the second half of life. It appears in books and podcasts, in Instagram posts and conversations about menopause, burnout, empty nests, aging parents and the sudden realization that time is moving. The story goes something like this…

a month ago · Second Spring Living™

Geezer magazine

Let’s Not Lie to Ourselves

I can’t stop thinking about this article I read by Robin Levine Shobin on middle-aged women who don’t exist…

a month ago · 32 likes · 15 comments · Laura LeBleu

The Modest Man

15 Reasons More Midlife Women Are Walking Away From Marriage

For years, many women stayed trapped in abusive marriages just because they wanted to keep the facade of a perfect marriage. They were too scared of the taboo surrounding divorce in society. Sometimes, shared children acted as the glue that held them together physically when they had long mentally checked out, while some were s…

25 days ago · TheModestMan

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When menopause starts to feel personal

Simon Salt — Tue, 11 Aug 2026 13:25:28 GMT

I was recently a guest on Anél Quilliam’s podcast - Mad with the Menopause. She invited me to talk about my experience with my wife’s perimenopause journey and the broader impact that journey has on couples.

First, let me give you a little background on Anél. Anél is the creator and host of Mad with the Menopause, a podcast dedicated to breaking the silence and misinformation surrounding perimenopause and menopause. Drawing on her own difficult perimenopause experience, she creates open conversations that educate women and men while exploring the physical, emotional, and relationship impact of the transition. She was also selected as one of the 100 Trailblazing Leaders in Menopause by the Women of Wearables.

The changes men feel before they understand

Our conversation covered a lot of ground, but we kept returning to something I experienced in my own relationship.

The fact that men don’t necessarily experience menopause first as a list of symptoms. They experience changes in the person they love and in the relationship they have built together.

My wife entered perimenopause at 41. Over the next four years, she saw four different doctors. She was told she was too young. Her symptoms didn’t fit. Her labs were normal. Everything was apparently fine. Except it wasn’t for her. And because I kept hearing that there was nothing medically wrong, I started looking for another explanation.

“If it’s not her, it must be me because there’s only two people in this relationship.”

The first thing I noticed

There were physical symptoms. Hot flashes. Sleepless nights. Changes in mood and irritability.

But those weren’t the things I experienced most directly.

“I think the thing that I noticed first was a change in intimacy, both physical and emotional.”

When we hear the word intimacy, we often jump immediately to sex. But emotional intimacy changes too. Without context, the changes to both forms of intimacy can feel very personal.I certainly took them personally.

If I can’t fix it, what is my role?

Eventually my wife found an OB/GYN who recognized what was happening. She was in perimenopause.

Having a name for it helped, but simply knowing about menopause symptoms wasn’t enough for me. I could read about hot flashes, brain fog and sleep disturbance, but a symptom list didn’t tell me what I was supposed to do with that information.

That led to something Anél and I discussed during the podcast that I think gets overlooked when we talk about men and menopause.

“If I can’t fix it and there’s no solution, then what’s my role?”

For many men, providing solutions is what they are used to doing. When someone we love has a problem, doing something about it can feel like an expression of care. Menopause doesn’t work that way. So the question becomes less about what we can fix and more about how we participate.

The realization that changed things

It took me far too long to understand something that now seems obvious.

“We were having the same experience from two different perspectives.”

My wife’s lived experience of perimenopause was hers. I could never know what it felt like to experience the physical and emotional changes happening in her body.

But I had a lived experience too.

I was experiencing uncertainty, changes in intimacy and communication, and changes in a relationship that I thought I knew. Recognizing that changed how I saw my role.

Instead of constantly asking what I could do to make the symptoms go away, I could start paying attention to where the load was greatest and where I could pick some of it up.

As I told Anél:

“Stop looking for solutions and start looking for partnerships.”

What partnership actually looks like

Sometimes that means taking responsibility for things rather than offering to help with them. What I refer to as the transition from helper to partner.

During our conversation, I used grocery shopping as an example. Going to the store is useful. But who checked the refrigerator and pantry? Who decided what everyone was eating? Who made the list? That highlights just one small aspect of the emotional load that women carry every day.

Partnership also requires flexibility. What helped yesterday may not help today. Sometimes stepping in is useful, but that also requires the female partner to learn to step back. Sometimes the most useful thing you can do is recognize that your partner needs space. That requires paying attention rather than assuming you know what they want.

Perhaps that’s the biggest thing I’ve learned from my own experience and from the conversations I’ve had since. Menopause may be individually experienced, but it’s lived collectively.

When something changes in a relationship, both people experience that change. Understanding that doesn’t give men a solution to menopause.

It gives us something much more useful: a role in navigating it together.

Listen to the Episode

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The Midlife Brief

Simon Salt — Fri, 07 Aug 2026 13:25:21 GMT

I’m sharing the posts that I found most interesting and helpful this week.

Some are menopause specific, others are more midlife focused. All have been posts that made my “saved” list.

Let me know if you’ve saved posts and if you think I would find them helpful.

Menopause Transition

Pacific Health Update

Health Minute: Menopause

Health Minute Audio Summary…

a month ago · PacificHealthTeam

The Menarche

My Favorite Herbs for Menopause

Menopause has been a hot topic in women’s health lately, and for good reason! As millennials start to approach this stage, more of us are looking for solutions - especially more herbal ones. I will be diving more into this topic in future blog posts as have more solutions to share…

a month ago · Nicky Dawkins

Bill Lyons

Menopause and what comes next

Menopause and what comes next…

a month ago · 2 likes · Bill Lyons

Empowered!

Debunking the Timing Hypothesis: Does Menopausal Hormone Therapy Really Protect Against Dementia, Depression and Cardiovascular Disease?

It’s been over a year since I wrote the last installment of The Menopause Files. In that time, enthusiasm (misplaced enthusiasm, IMHO) for hormone replacement therapy - now rebranded ‘menopausal hormone therapy’ or MHT - has only grown. Every week, I see female clients in their mid-to-late forties who have been prescribed some form of hormonal therapy f…

a month ago · 6 likes · 11 comments · Robyn Chuter

If you find The Midlife Brief useful, please share it with others.

Midlife

A Creative Midlife

AI Might Be Midlife Women's Best Friend

Last week my partner spent almost thirty minutes in my office, helping me with a tech task. I had been struggling with the process and he graciously offered to spend the time doing it. That’s him-always kind, always happy to help…

a month ago · 4 likes · 2 comments · Nicole Giordano

Midlife Upgrade Substack

Some Midlife Tea: Can We Normalize Separate Bedrooms?

This topic has been coming to us over and over so we decided it needed its own Substack post… separate bedrooms…

a month ago · 1 like · Midlife Upgrade™

Becoming Everwell with Lindsay Hurty

The Midlife Breakfast Club

The closing scene of The Breakfast Club likely occupies some space in your memory if you’ve ever felt an affection toward Molly Ringwald. Five personality-clashing teens are stuck together for a full Saturday of detention, and despite all likelihood in a cliquey 1980’s high school that feasts on stereotypes, ultimately, they find common ground, mutual respect and even some self-respect…

a month ago · 18 likes · 11 comments · Lindsay Hurty

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Buy Me A Cuppa

Live with Hotflash Inc

Simon Salt — Thu, 06 Aug 2026 19:28:12 GMT

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.

Available for iOS and Android

63% of Men Say Menopause Changed Their Lives

Simon Salt — Tue, 04 Aug 2026 13:25:36 GMT

The MATE (Men’s Attitude Toward Menopause) survey found that: 63% of men said that their partner’s menopausal symptoms had personally affected them.

This data supports the idea that the menopause transition (both peri & post menopause) are experienced individually but lived collectively. Menopause doesn’t happen in isolation. The connections spread far and wide. From partners to children, to family members, to coworkers and beyond.

In this article I’m going to focus on the relational impact on long term heterosexual committed partnerships.

What Is Really Going On?

Why would men say that they were personally impacted by their partner’s symptoms? Is this just men centering themselves in a way that society has continually taught them to do? While I think there is an element of truth to that, men are taught to center themselves and women are taught to orbit them, it goes beyond that. The study breaks down that number (63%) into more detail.

77% said the impact on themselves was somewhat or very negative.

What are these men actually experiencing? Quite often it is the change to the rhythm that they have become used to. Relationships develop a flow, and a shorthand that allows for predictability and clarity. When that is disrupted men can struggle with the changes that are happening. Some will try to fix the situation or look for solutions. Others will withdraw, concluding that the relationship itself is changing for the worse.

Men weren’t just noticing the impact on themselves:

70% said the impact on their partner was somewhat or very negative.

It’s easy to read that first number (63%) and assume men are making this all about themselves. But this number puts pay to that. Men are noticing the impact on their partners. What they aren’t sure of is how to respond. In conversations with men I’ve encountered expressions like “Walking on eggshells”. Their normal responses of fixing and solution providing don’t work anymore, so they are left wondering how to respond and what their role is in this new situation.

Looking Deeper At The Numbers

Beyond the individual impacts, the survey also found that:

56% said the impact on their relationship was somewhat or very negative.

What does that mean, “Affected them”? The survey expands on that. Men most commonly reported the following:

Emotional strain on the relationship (34%)
Reduced frequency of sex/intimacy (33%)
Trouble sleeping (10%)
Feeling upset or frustrated seeing their partner go through the transition (11%)

Intimacy is often the barometer used by men (and some women) to judge the health of the relationship. Intimacy means more than the physical aspects of the relationship. The emotional strain being reported is part of that intimacy. When that changes, when they feel a distance growing between them and their partner they can jump to the conclusion that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

When a couple doesn’t have words for what they are experiencing it can make things even worse. Both partners are confused by what is happening. Even when the words exist the confusion often lingers. No matter how many times a partner receives reassurance, they can often default to filling in the blanks with stories. Seeing a declined hug as a loss of affection. Seeing a need for some distance as the relationship drifting apart. These aren’t necessarily true.

Experienced Individually, Lived Collectively

What the MATE survey gives us is an insight as to how men are experiencing this transition. That the transition is experienced both physically and emotionally by the woman and that the experience she has is lived collectively. The numbers only give us the shape of the impact but not the depth of emotion behind the numbers.

This is where I believe education comes in. As men become more educated they gain more insight and that allows for a level of understanding. Achieving understanding doesn’t happen overnight (nor does the menopause transition), challenges aren’t overcome with it suddenly. Understanding brings with it space for curiosity, that brings the opportunity to start to ask the relevant questions about how each partner is experiencing this transition.

I recommend a simple framework for couples.

Sit. Listen. Believe.

Sit: Find time away from other distractions, and make it time-bound, 5 mins, 10 mins, however short a period you need to get one idea communicated.

Listen: Actively listen to your partner. Don’t just wait for your turn to speak. Listen for the information you are seeking.

Believe: No matter what research you have done, or what understanding you think you have achieved, believing the lived experience of the person in front of you is your best source of information.

What this can lead to is a place where both partners see the impact of this transition as something to be experienced together, rather than individually.

Couples on the same team rarely try to keep score.

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The Midlife Brief

Simon Salt — Fri, 31 Jul 2026 13:25:46 GMT

I’m sharing the posts that I found most interesting and helpful this week.

Some are menopause specific, others are more midlife focused. All have been posts that made my “saved” list.

Let me know if you’ve saved posts and if you think I would find them helpful.

Menopause Transition

Brownstone Insights

The Great Menopause Grift

BY ALAN CASSELS…

a month ago · 31 likes · 2 comments · Brownstone Institute

Furious Menopause

Menopause Hormone Therapy is not a magic bullet

We can’t reproduce hormones in the same way our bodies did before we reached menopause…

a month ago · 2 likes · Carol Peat

Life Re-Vibed with Jennifer Hoffman

The Menopause Truth No One Talks About

a month ago · 5 likes · 6 comments · Jennifer Hoffman

How to Move

Do we need menopause- or perimenopause-specific workouts?

We’ve talked a little around here about the wild world of perimenopause-related fitness trends; specifically the weighted vest craze…

a month ago · 35 likes · 8 comments · Anna Maltby

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Midlife

Simple Life Explorers

The Life You Built Can Be Good and Still Feel Too Heavy

I think many of us reach a point when being capable of carrying everything no longer feels like a good enough reason to keep carrying it…

a month ago · 3 likes · 2 comments · Rebecca Harrison

Love, Lorraine

5 Things Midlife Women Should Talk About

There are parts of midlife we talk about easily…

a month ago · 6 likes · 4 comments · Lorraine Schuchart

My Midlife Divorce Diary

You Never Know What Your Next Chapter Will Ask of You

Right now, I have a chicken in my freezer…

a month ago · 1 like · Karen Shatafian

The Portal: Sacred Unraveling™

We're Misaligned With the Woman Who Chose It.

a month ago · 1 like · Shannon Graham

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What If Your Doctor Was Never Taught Menopause?

Simon Salt — Tue, 28 Jul 2026 13:25:20 GMT

The menopause transition affects 51% of the population for approximately 40% of their lives. And yet the medical professionals that treat them are poorly prepared to do so. Even those who specialize in women’s health and medicine. Where formal training in the menopause transition is included it amounts to little more than a lecture or two. Less than 7% of residents in key specialties such as family medicine, internal medicine, and obstetrics and gynecology feel prepared to support menopausal patients.

The Frontline of Healthcare

These are the frontline of medicine. The physicians that women are most likely to interact with on a regular basis. Because of this lack of training, these clinicians are less likely to bring up midlife and menopausal care with their patients, including discussions of symptoms and any associated health risks. In one study 1/3rd of US counties reported lacking practicing OB/GYNs and where they did exist appointments were reportedly too short or not dedicated to discussing menopausal symptoms.

Even in big cities, where there are some dedicated programs, there is still a lack of specialized care, which often results in delayed or mis-diagnosis. What we see reported, time and again, from women is not only a lack of understanding but a lack of knowledge from their physicians. Women being told that they are just “aging” or that they are “too young” for perimenopause. My own wife was dismissed by four different OB/GYNs over a period of four years as not being perimenopausal, but rather given a shopping list of other reasons for feeling the way she did.

Awareness Isn’t Education

Information about the menopause transition is becoming more broadcast. From Oprah and Halle Berry to TikTok influencers and everyone in between, people are talking about it. But is the information reaching the intended audience? In this post -

I talked about the fact that in one survey 54% of women of menopausal age who said they weren’t or weren’t sure if they were in perimenopause still reported at least three symptoms.

So where are those women, who are unsure about their own health going to turn if they can’t get accurate information from the one source they should be able to get it from? A lot will turn to friends and family, to search engines, AI and Social Media. Some will just choose to “muscle through” and deal with it the best they can.

The Relationship Cost

With this lack of credible care and the “normal labs” approach to midlife and the menopause transition is it any wonder that where the strain is felt most for many women is at home? I talk about the “Connected Menopause” because it is experienced individually but lived collectively. A woman being dismissed by her doctor or being misdiagnosed isn’t experiencing that in a vacuum, there are partners, perhaps children, aging family members, work colleagues and friends who are all seeing the changes, sometimes subtle, sometimes not so subtle.

A woman who is told she is fine, but is living a different experience from “fine” might actually start to believe there is nothing wrong with her. I have had conversations with men whose partners refuse to see the changes that are happening to them. Not because they don’t want to see them but because they are being told they don’t exist by professionals.

The cost of this lack of care isn’t isolated to just a woman’s physical health. There is a mental cost too. And a partner trying to support this woman is going to find themselves even more lost. After all, what they are facing is a situation where they have to try to reconcile the reality they are living with and what their partner is being told by professionals. And if the professionals are right, and there is nothing wrong with their partner, then what does that mean for them?

This all goes to show that we are experiencing more than a women’s health issue, we are experiencing a healthcare education issue and one that awareness campaigns are fast outstripping. Until we see this gap closed women and their connections will try to close it on their own. That 15 minute conversation that is missed in the examination room now has repercussions that impact women and their partnerships for decades.

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The Midlife Brief

Simon Salt — Fri, 24 Jul 2026 13:26:03 GMT

Created by Author with AI

I’m sharing the posts that I found most interesting and helpful this week.

Some are menopause specific, others are more midlife focused. All have been posts that made my “saved” list.

Let me know if you’ve saved posts and if you think I would find them helpful.

Menopause Transition

Nourished by Tara Hantske

How to Eat for Your Hormones in Perimenopause

You’re eating less to fix a problem that eating less made worse…

2 months ago · 6 likes · 1 comment · Tara Hantske

Natural Nutrition for the Midlife Shift

Keeping calm, and the best sleep tips for perimenopause

Hello there…

2 months ago · Sally Duffin

Hootin' and Hollerin'

Don't piss me off: A perimenopause playlist

No one told me there would be rage…

2 months ago · 3 comments · Ashleé Clark

Dr's Substack

Why Alcohol Affects Women Differently After 40: A Functional Medicine Approach

For years, women were told that a glass of red wine could be good for the heart…

2 months ago · 1 like · Dr Josée

If you find The Midlife Brief useful, please share it with others.

Midlife

Own Your Ambition

Congratulations. You Got the Promotion. Now Watch Your Step.

Hi, I’m Bonnie Marcus. Welcome to Own Your Ambition, the newsletter where I offer my best advice on how to successfully navigate the workplace today as a midlife woman. A former CEO who made it to the C Suite from an entry level, executive coach and published author, I share my experiences and lessons learned from my tenure in corporate, focusing on pro…

2 months ago · 4 likes · 3 comments · Bonnie Marcus

GenXtress

The Typecasting of Midlife+ Women

I am no “crone.” It’s not a word I’d even think to use. In Middle English, crone meant “dead flesh” or “old ewe.” So really, a crone? Uh, no…

2 months ago · GenXtress

Midlife Becoming for Women

Why Intimacy Changes After 40 (And What Women Should Know)

You may first notice that you’re not sleeping as well as you used to.Thanks for reading Midlife Becoming for Women! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work…

2 months ago · Lucy A. J | Midlife Becoming

THE MIDDLE

What Will the Midlife Crisis Look Like for Millennial Women?

Pop quiz: Think about the phrase “midlife crisis”. What’s the first thing that comes to mind…

2 months ago · THE MIDDLE

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Why Everything Suddenly Feels Like a Threat

Simon Salt — Tue, 21 Jul 2026 13:25:30 GMT

Most men don’t experience the menopause transition as a series of hormonal changes. They experience it as a series of relationship changes.

They notice distance growing, they notice intimacy declining, they notice barbs entering what used to be normal conversations. The relationship can begin to feel increasingly functional. Conversations revolve around children’s appointments, grocery lists and trash day. The moments that once felt effortless seem to require more thought, while the changes themselves often remain unspoken because neither partner can fully explain what is happening. Life continues, but it no longer feels as familiar as it once did.

Uncertainty Replaces Familiarity

Over time, that sense of familiarity is replaced by uncertainty. There is uncertainty about what kind of day today will be, uncertainty about whether a conversation will end in connection or conflict, and uncertainty about how to respond when the person you love seems to be experiencing something neither of you fully understands. Even when there are good days, there can be a feeling that the ground beneath the relationship has shifted, making it harder to trust what tomorrow might bring.

During my recent Substack Live, offered an explanation that changed the way I think about this experience.

“Any change has the potential of triggering that threat response.”

Perimenopause is viewed as neither good nor bad. It is simply experienced as something different. That difference alone is enough to capture the brain’s attention. Throughout our evolution, change has often signalled that our environment deserves closer observation, so the brain responds by becoming more alert. It starts watching more carefully, looking for patterns and trying to determine whether this new situation requires us to adapt. Before we have consciously made sense of what is happening, our nervous system has already recognised that something important has changed.

This isn’t a male perspective, it’s a human one. As Paul said later in our conversation:

“It’s safer to assume danger and risk and be wrong than it is to assume safety and be wrong.”

Basic Survival

That’s a basic survival instinct. The brain doesn’t differentiate between a conversation that slides into conflict and being chased by a lion. Physiologically, many of the same systems become active. Heart rate increases, attention narrows and the mind starts scanning the environment more closely. Long before we have consciously decided whether something is dangerous, the brain has already begun preparing us to respond.

When the relationship you’ve relied upon for years begins to feel different, that same system can become active. The rhythm you once knew is disrupted and things that once felt predictable become less so. Plans change. Conversations take unexpected turns. Familiar ways of connecting no longer seem to have the same effect. None of those changes necessarily mean the relationship is in danger, but they are enough to hold the brain’s attention.

That helps explain why many men begin asking more questions. They want to understand what has changed and, more importantly, whether the relationship is still safe. Those questions often focus on impact rather than symptoms. “What’s wrong?” “What can I do?” “How do we get back to where we were?” Meanwhile, their partner may be trying to understand why she is waking at three in the morning, why she feels exhausted or why emotions that once felt manageable now seem unpredictable. They are living through the same transition, but experiencing completely different problems.

I often think about the way men and women search for information online. A man may type, “Why doesn’t my wife want to be close to me?” His partner may be searching, “Why am I awake at 3am every night?” Neither question is unreasonable. They simply reflect two very different experiences of the same stage of life.

At the heart of those searches is something Dr. Paul Jenkins said:

“Threat is always perceived whether it’s real or not.”

Perception Creates Response

If the brain perceives a threat, it responds as though one exists. It doesn’t wait for certainty. That doesn’t mean the relationship is failing. It means the brain has recognised significant change and is trying to work out whether it needs to protect us.

The encouraging part is that the threat response isn’t the end of the story.

“Awareness precedes choice.”

Once we recognise what the brain is doing, we are no longer being carried along by it without noticing. We can recognise heightened alertness for what it is instead of allowing it to shape every interaction. We can ask different questions, slow our reactions and remember that change, on its own, is not evidence that something is wrong.

Perimenopause asks both partners to adapt to a relationship that no longer follows familiar patterns. For many men, that can feel deeply unsettling because predictability has been replaced by uncertainty. The brain has evolved to notice change because, throughout human history, overlooking genuine threats carried enormous consequences. That instinct has served us well for thousands of years. But in a relationship, especially one moving through perimenopause, the changes we notice are often invitations to understand rather than warnings to defend against.

During the Live Paul offered a free ebook called Portable Positivity you can download it here.

You can watch the full conversation here:

Want to add to the conversation? Leave a comment. I reply to them all.

Leave a comment

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This substack runs on copious amounts of tea. If you’d like to support it, you could always buy me a cuppa.

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The Midlife Brief

Simon Salt — Fri, 17 Jul 2026 13:26:08 GMT

I’m sharing the posts that I found most interesting and helpful this week.

Some are menopause specific, others are more midlife focused. All have been posts that made my “saved” list.

Let me know if you’ve saved posts and if you think I would find them helpful.

Menopause Transition

AthenaBIO Newsletter

Drug Discovery for Menopause

In Conversation with Dr. Peter Fedichev…

2 months ago · 6 likes · AthenaBIO

Menopause Weight Loss Mentor

WHY TESTOSTERONE ISN’T JUST A MALE HORMONE (AND NO ONE TOLD YOU YOURS WAS DISAPPEARING TOO)

Meet the hormone you’ve probably never had tested, never been told about, and possibly never even associated with yourself.Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work…

2 months ago · 1 like · Menopause Weight Loss Mentor

Hot & Bothered: A Weekly Newsletter

Menopause Changes "Down South"

Hello from Utah! My husband and I are picking up the car our son has been using during his internship and are driving back to Ohio via three new-to-us national parks. A few years ago we decided we wanted to visit all 63 national parks and after our road trip we’ll have visited 31 - so nearly half way there…

2 months ago · 1 like · Rebecca Mudrick

If you find The Midlife Brief useful, please share it with others.

Midlife

The Niceness Trap

The Invisible Burden Midlife Women Carry

Last week I climbed into bed completely exhausted…

2 months ago

Awesomely Awake with Shawn Fink

You Are Not Crazy

“You may think I'm crazy, but I'm just telling the truth." — Nina Simone…

2 months ago · 8 likes · 3 comments · Shawn Fink | Awesomely Awake

The Yoga Almanac

We Rested. It Was Bliss.

Good food. Delicious company. A divine swim. And sweet, sweet rest…

2 months ago · 13 likes · 8 comments · Monika Maurer

The Midlife Leap

Neil the Seal, Midlife Women, and the Art of Being Ungovernable

If you’ve ever said “WTF is next?”—you’re in the right place. Subscribe to The Midlife Leap for unfiltered truth, small wins, and big shifts…

2 months ago · 2 likes · 1 comment · Joyce Layman

If you found this collection of articles interesting please share it with others that you think would benefit from reading it.

This Substack runs on copious amounts of tea. If you enjoyed this post you can always show that by buying me a cuppa.

Buy Me A Cuppa

The Stories Men Tell Themselves

Simon Salt — Tue, 14 Jul 2026 13:25:37 GMT

When I look back at the beginning of the journey my wife and I have been on over the last eight or so years, I’ve noticed something I was doing then and, if I’m being honest, still catch myself doing occasionally.

Whenever something happened that I didn’t understand, I filled in the blanks myself.

I don’t think I’m alone in doing that, and I don’t think it’s unique to men. What I have realized, though, is that the menopause transition has a way of exposing it. Perimenopause brings uncertainty for everyone living through it, especially the woman experiencing it, but also for the partner trying to make sense of changes that often arrive without explanation.

Looking back, I was reacting to what I believed the changes meant. Somewhere along the way I’d already reached a conclusion. Whether that conclusion reflected reality was almost beside the point because, once I’d accepted it as true, I behaved as though it was.

Simple situations like my wife deciding not to watch an episode of our favourite show and choosing instead to spend some time alone reading a book started to take on meanings of their own. There is nothing unusual about wanting some downtime after work. Taken on its own, it probably wouldn’t have registered at all. But alongside other changes that were happening, I began joining dots that may never have belonged together.

What I’ve realized since is not just that I was doing this, it was how fast I switched to this way of thinking about my relationship. It wasn’t a gradual process. And because it wasn’t gradual I never questioned why it was happening.

I had already decided what those situations meant, for me, for my relationship and for my life going forward. Having made those decisions, completely in isolation, I viewed every other change with the same lens.

As I look back now, I realize I rarely stopped to ask whether the conclusions I’d reached were actually true. Once I’d decided my wife’s behaviour meant our relationship was changing, everything else seemed to support that view. I noticed the evenings she wanted to spend alone more than the evenings we laughed together. I remembered the difficult conversations more clearly than the ordinary ones. Without realizing it, instead of gathering evidence, I was only noticing the pieces that fitted the explanation I’d already accepted.

Over time it became automatic. I wasn’t consciously deciding what each change meant. I simply assumed it meant something, and before long I’d settled on an explanation that felt convincing. Because those explanations arrived so naturally, I never stopped to question where they had come from. They felt less like opinions and more like observations.

“It is not the time to self-blame, to blame others, or assign meaning.”

Natalie Buchwald LMHC

I recognised myself in this quote very clearly. Assigning meaning had become my default response to uncertainty. Every change seemed to require an explanation and, if one wasn’t available, I created one. At the time I thought I was making sense of what was happening. Looking back, I can see that many of those explanations told me more about my own fears than they did about what my wife was actually experiencing.

And that was where I was missing what was right in front of me. My wife’s experience had gradually become secondary to my own interpretation of what was happening. Every change felt personal because I was viewing it through the question, “What does this mean for us?” More importantly, “What does it mean for me?” I rarely stopped to consider that she was living through changes she couldn’t always explain herself. While I was searching for certainty, she was often just trying to get through the day.

I began treating individual moments as evidence instead of seeing them as part of a much larger picture. A hug declined became withdrawal. Less affection suggested we were becoming roommates. A quiet evening felt like distance rather than exhaustion. Each moment seemed to reinforce the conclusion I’d already reached. Looking back, I can see I wasn’t paying attention to everything that was happening. I was paying attention to the things that supported the explanation I had already accepted.

“If your partner has other ways of showing you that they are still there, notice them.”

Natalie Buchwald LMHC

I wasn’t seeing the ways my Wife was still there. I was stuck looking for the things that I thought meant she was instead of recognizing the ways she was able to show her presence now. Slowly I started to see them. And that challenged my way of thinking. If she was still there, was it me that had moved? Had I, in an attempt to understand the changes in our relationship somehow created a whole new reality for myself?

While the way I had constructed this new reality happened quickly, moving away from it took more time. Slowly I started to not assign meanings to things. Not every silence had to be explained. A bad day doesn’t predict a bad week. Things can remain uncertain and not have to be resolved immediately.

I wish I could tell you that this has all wrapped up with a nice bow. It hasn’t, I’m still human, I still catch myself telling stories, seeking explanations, assigning meanings. The difference is I’m less likely to believe those stories.